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1950s teenage couple at soda fountain
Chuck suffered from what he called “dating dysfunction.” In hopes of finding a romantic match, he utilized online dating, as well as a couple of friends serving as amateur matchmakers, but the results proved disappointing. Upon reflection, he blamed himself. The problem, as he saw it, was not the absence of hopeful romantic prospects.
“I do fine right up until when a woman and I decide to meet. From that point on and then through the date itself, it’s like my IQ drops 30 points or something,” he lamented.
“It actually might,” I suggested.
Several studies show that, often, when a man interacts with a woman, he considers attractive, he becomes somewhat cognitively impaired. This is not breaking news for many females. What’s more, simply anticipating such an interaction is sufficient to produce this measurable mental decline. And in the spirit of “life ain’t fair,” this psychological misfire does not manifest as much in women who are meeting men they consider appealing. It’s mostly a guy thing.
Cognitive Impairment?
And just what is meant by “cognitive impairment” in this context? Well, in cinema and on TV there are plenty of descriptive anecdotes that depict Chuck’s conundrum. The tongue-tied, fumbling-bumbling guy who seems to undergo instantaneous emotional age regression is, sadly, more than a comic foil. For many men, it is reality.
The impairment itself manifests as memory lapses, difficulty articulating one’s thoughts and feelings, impulsive and often awkward statements, and a general decline in what is termed “emotional intelligence.” This final capacity, emotional intelligence, involves an awareness of one’s own feelings, empathy toward others, the ability to manage one’s emotional reactions, and good interactive skills. Among those males who are reasonably self-aware, like Chuck, when they recognize they are imploding during an interaction with a woman, anxiety spikes, further disrupting their interpersonal performance.
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This effect can also emerge during male interactions with females over the telephone or online (chat, email, etc.), not just face-to-face. And just because a guy stumbles in this fashion doesn’t mean he’s mentally insecure underneath. This same reaction can occur in confident men, as well as those who might be shy, passive or introverted by nature.
hat is curious is that women, for the most part, do not react the same way to being “on stage” in a dating situation. This even though many feel social pressure to look and act their best for prospective mates. That’s not to suggest females don’t get anxious during courtship. Many do. And there’s plenty of research showing that, in both females and males, the more one cares about making the right impression on one’s date, the more the brain is challenged by the accompanying stress. In the world of courtship, “performance anxiety,” as it is called, is not confined to sexual encounters.
As always, there are exceptions on both sides of the gender abyss. And there is some evidence that certain males who don’t succumb to this sort of brain lock may just be deft manipulators. Which is why some ladies are initially wary of the calm, smooth-talking type. As for Chuck, self-awareness was key. Once you recognize your unconscious response (cognitive impairment), you can apply conscious effort to compensate. What sort of effort?
First and foremost, I suggested openly disclosing his awkwardness on a first date. When feeling anxious/awkward, trying to hide one’s disquiet usually makes it worse. Rather than struggling to manage his stress and lack of confidence, Chuck chose to simply reveal his unsettled feelings with a prospective romantic partner right from the start. In most instances, he was surprised how this true confession approach reduced the tension he felt and how this self-disclosure was generally well-received. Noting this, Chuck changed the tagline of his online dating profile to read, “Typically awkward male with a kind heart.”
Shortly thereafter, he found a kindred spirit who appreciated his honesty and willingness to be vulnerable. When he stopped trying so hard to be the right guy and, instead, focused on being himself, the dating dysfunction disappeared.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
