Never Miss a Good Chance to Shut Up

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“When I’m with him, I feel invisible,” Kelly shared, referring to her brother, David.

Other family members expressed similar concern. “Who I am doesn’t seem to matter,” one told me. “With David, it could be anybody. He just needs an audience so he can talk somebody’s head off.”

Multiple attempts by family to provide David with respectful feedback about his over-the-top verbosity proved fruitless. Even when they warned that his ceaseless nattering was off-putting to others, nothing sunk in. Nonetheless, under persistent pressure, he agreed to see me, albeit reluctantly.

David was a man of many words, but he didn’t use language for connecting with others. Instead, his so-called conversations consisted almost entirely of a breathless and uninterrupted monologue. After our first session, I didn’t feel like I’d actually met a fellow human being. It was a non-engagement. During our hour-long visit, I occupied less than 5% of the airtime, at most. Never once did he ask me a question, show interest in me as a person, or use my comments for anything more than a springboard to his next tirade.

Folks of this ilk harbor a powerful and urgent need to run their mouths. They subject those in their midst to the polar opposite of the silent treatment. The composition of their audience, be that one unfortunate soul or many, is of little concern to them. The intrinsic pressure to “say it!” overshadows all other considerations.

Arrogance, Narcissism, Entitlement

So, what’s behind this propensity?

Verbose people include several general types. First, there are those who come by this tendency naturally. It’s just part of their highly extroverted, gregarious temperament. Usually, these folks possess sufficient self-awareness to recognize they are excessively talkative, and some even try to pull back on the verbal reins at times. In short, naturally verbose people are usually manageable.

Less so are those who over-talk because of arrogance, narcissism and entitlement. These types are rightly accused of “holding court.” Their self-aggrandizement leads them to believe, often subconsciously, that they should do the talking because, after all, they regard themselves as the most eloquent, erudite and witty persons in the room. This is not a mindset that proves easy to modify, so narcissistic verbosity is usually highly problematic.

Another vexing type of hyper-talker, the variety represented by David, is one driven by fear. For these folks, interacting with others is fraught with a measure of unease and risk. Many of them suffered significant emotional trauma during childhood inflicted by other people, leaving them wary of human connection and the vulnerability it requires. To them, openness and emotional closeness carry the potential for being hurt once again.

By dominating the airtime in a so-called conversation, David, and those like him, seek to minimize the risk of emotional harm by avoiding a back-and-forth exchange of experiences and feelings. Most often, the listener will simply grin, nod and bear it, so there’s less chance she or he will respond by being critical, disagreeing, reacting emotionally, etc.

What can be done for those like David? A key consideration is how that individual responds to feedback. If they react to respectful feedback by either being non-responsive (ignore or deflect the question) or by becoming very defensive at the inference that “you talk too much,” there’s hard work ahead.

In David’s case, his family found him non-responsive to their feedback, which became increasingly blunt. What did prove helpful was employing counseling methods that addressed this man’s unresolved emotional trauma, gradually decreasing his wariness around people likely to be safe, like close family and true friends.

By opening up emotionally with others, he gradually acquired greater empathy and less of a “circle the wagons” mindset. The capacity to listen to others soon followed, and a two-way communication pathway, rather than a one-way soliloquy, was slowly paved.

Over time, David learned to follow the advice of Will Rogers, who said, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

For more, visit philipchard.com.