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Parents comforting child
“I don’t feel it’s safe to send my daughter to school anymore,” a distraught mom told me. “How do I talk to her about these school shootings without scaring her even more?”
Good question. Surveys show many students, at all grade levels, harbor deep-seated angst about their safety and that of their classmates, teachers and family. Despite all the “hardening” of classrooms, active shooter drills and the presence of security personnel, the Uvalde massacre drove home the vulnerability of our schools in the face of a determined murderer with an assault weapon. What’s more, adults are not immune from the sense of danger populating young people’s minds. Most Americans are on edge, knowing a trip to the grocery store or a social event could, without warning, erupt into mass carnage.
When I was in grade school, as we called it, the closest we came to the current dystopia in America were silly, useless drills that had us ducking under our desks in the event of a nuclear attack. Good luck with that. The Cold War was in full swing, and while we youngsters knew of the risk, it seemed distant . . . because it was. We weren’t wringing our hands over some alienated kid down the block or extremist whacko who might decide to go out in a blizzard of bullets while taking as many others with them as possible. What’s more, we were spared the endless tsunami of news, videos and social media posts throwing gas on the cultural dumpster fire now searing the heart of our nation.
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Chronic Dread?
What’s the impact of pervasive, chronic dread and uncertainty on our school aged children? Devastating. A recent survey of over 360 school counselors found huge upswings in students with anxiety, depression, academic hiccups, peer conflicts and a host of other troubling indicators. And this survey was conducted before the Uvalde massacre, reflecting the impacts of the pandemic, toxic social media and ever-present threats of violence. Given this colossal mess and the probability the gun lobby lapdogs in Congress will not act to protect our children, what do we tell them? How do we convey this awful reality without further amplifying a child’s distress? Well, the New York Times posted an excellent article in this regard, which you can access here: nytimes.com/article/talk-about-school-shootings-kids.html.
However, there are limits to what parents, teachers and counselors can do or say to provide reassurance to our youngsters. As we repeat ad nauseum, it is what it is, and what it is cannot be rationalized to seem less frightening. Undoubtedly, kids need responsible, supportive adults to help them navigate these treacherous times, and we should do our utmost in this regard. But, as my worried client illustrates, we cannot truthfully tell children with certainty we can keep them safe when they head out the door to school. Is gun violence the only threat our little ones face? Of course not, but firearms are now the leading cause of death among Americans ages 1 to 19 (CDC data), replacing vehicular accidents. For parents and their school age offspring, that’s the cold, inexcusable reality of growing up in these United States today.
So, like many mental health types, I advise justifiably worried parents about how to conduct these arduous conversations with their children. Nonetheless, there’s a fine balance between providing reassurance while, at the same time, being honest. And that balance is increasingly tipped against concerned parents, making it far more difficult to comfort and far too easy to alarm. Particularly with media savvy kids (the vast majority), a parent’s voice is one among many and, too often, is drowned out by a torrent of frightening news and alarming social media posts. Meaning, we should do our best, but we would be naïve to suppose our best will prove sufficient. This isn’t a problem we solve one kid at a time. Alone, none of us can make our children safer. Together, this goal is within our reach.
Speak out. Organize. Vote. Their lives may depend on it.
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