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Sad woman illustration
Mental health professionals call it “secondary gain.” It’s the mental equivalent of a loss leader in business, a strategy that sacrifices profit on the front end to set up a profitable return later on. So, a merchant may lose money on free samples in the hope that, later, they will gain income in the form of regular customers. In the mental health realm, a loss leader is a behavior that, at first glance, seems to work against the individual exhibiting it, often appearing self-defeating or even self-destructive. However, sometimes, there is a payoff working behind the scenes.
We see this with folks who become trapped in victim mode, or who set themselves up to lose their job, become stuck in pessimistic self-pity, or do nothing to address debilitating stress or other mental health issues. Why do some people live in ways that clearly mire them in misery, conflict and angst? They are, after all, forfeiting something worthwhile—a chance at happiness, fulfillment or a better life. Why pursue a losing strategy?
With some, like Margaret, the answer is secondary gain. This middle-aged, divorced mom with her own boutique business graced my door at the strong urging of family and friends due to what they considered her chronic depression. However, what stood out for me was less about melancholia and more about self-pity.
“I can’t catch a break in life,” she told me, recounting her failed marriage, ungrateful children, business struggles . . . her litany of woes was long.
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This “I’m a victim” mental script looped through her psyche persistently, constantly reinforcing her rendition of downcast Eeyore from Winnie the Poh. In short, she lived in a perpetual state of despondency. What did she gain in return for her discontent? Attention, concern and caring from those around her. As a child, complaining proved the best way for Margaret to garner interest and sympathy from her family. Being positive got her ignored, while going negative elicited plenty of attention. In other words, the pain and suffering she incurred by wallowing in misery paid a dividend. As she grew, Margaret’s developmental learning morphed into what we call a negative cognitive bias, meaning she always looked for the downside in any situation, minimized or dismissed good happenings, and consistently expected the worst.
Generally, being seen as a victim entitles someone to certain considerations that others don’t enjoy. These might include more attention or sympathy from family and friends, exemption from social responsibilities, a running excuse to get out of unwanted commitments, and the like. Is this intentionally manipulative? Sometimes, but most often, the process is subconscious. The person truly feels like an existential punching bag being pummeled by fate. To them, their “woe is me” mindset seems entirely justified.
For many of us, the potential payoffs for remaining unhappy mean squat. We dislike passive negativity, believe in the power of personal agency, and don’t find the so-called perks that come with victim status worth the price in discomfort. However, some find these rewards do compensate for their unhappiness and distress, enough so to keep them sitting in their mental mud puddle. Now, when you point this out to these folks, as I did with Margaret, they often deny the secondary gain. That’s because this is primarily a learned behavior that emerges automatically, involving little conscious decision-making.
As is often the case, insightful self-awareness is an important first step in turning this conundrum around. Once a person is fully aware that secondary gain is driving their behavior, then an informed choice can be made—to continue or to break the pattern. Not easy, to be sure, but doable for most. It’s psychological and social advantages notwithstanding, eventually, secondary gain yields a lot less gain and generates far more loss.
The payoffs from this strategy become truly secondary.
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