Thanksgiving with Thankless People

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In addition to counting our blessings, Thanksgiving is also a time to consider those among us who are . . . well, thankless. We refer to these folks as “ingrates,” and they come in several varieties, but all display a common predilection for sitting in their pity pot. Visiting “pity city” is almost universal among our species. Everyone experiences moments when they feel sorry for themselves for whatever reason, but many ingrates don’t just visit pity city. They move there and take up permanent residence.

The mindset these folks inhabit encompasses we shrink types call an “external locus of control.” Absent the psychobabble, this simply means they believe, at a deep level, that what happens outside of them (events, circumstances, interactions, etc.) dictates what happens inside of them (attitudes, emotions, moods, etc.). To them, if it’s a bad day on the outside, then it’s a bad day on the inside, meaning they mentally forfeit their self-control to the happenings around them.

However, in thankless people, this “the world controls me” attitude joins with another mental predisposition called a “negative cognitive bias.” So, even when such persons inhabit circumstances most of us would consider favorable, they minimize or ignore these positive conditions and events in favor of negative ones. To them, good things don’t seem all that good or are just momentary blips, while bad ones dominate their mental landscape, expanding to occupy their entire psychological field of vision.

Whine and Pout

In turn, this leads to their perception that life and fate are adversaries robbing them of what they want by exerting control over their lives. Because of this mindset, it’s not difficult to identify those who inhabit pity city. They complain often, whine, pout, solicit sympathy, frustrate easily and prove irritable and angry much of the time. Also, they’re facile at throwing emotional buckets of water on those who adopt a more positive and grateful perspective toward life, a kind of “buzz kill.” What’s more, they take themselves far more seriously than anyone or anything else. 

Sound like someone you know? Perhaps a guest at the Thanksgiving dinner table? Do they tend to spoil the party? Well, popping other people’s happiness bubbles is standard procedure for thankless individuals. That’s one scenario that restores their diminished sense of control over their lives. Through their negativity, they sometimes overpower the positivity in those around them, the proverbial rotten apple thrown into the barrel of nutritious ones. So, the mood in the room is one thing they strive to master. It’s a form of control that is destructive, but constitutes control nonetheless.

Meaning, most chronically thankless people are also unkind. Kindness is gratitude in action and does not exist independently from a sense of “I’ve been blessed.” Grateful people give back by being considerate, respectful and generous toward others. They demonstrate appreciation for what they have been given in life, whether by people, fate or their own efforts. In contrast, thankless folks often feel victimized in this regard.

Finally, and sadly, the unthankful tend to be unforgiving. The willingness to forgive is strongly associated with gratitude, in part because thankful people recognize they too have transgressed and appreciate the gift of forgiveness they’ve received from others. So, to them, forgiveness is an expression of gratitude, a way to pay it forward, as we say. 

Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel put it this way: “When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in their humanity.” Indeed. But how does someone bereft of thankfulness acquire this humanistic attribute? Well, if an ingrate truly wants to become more thankful, research shows they can grow this attitude through a commitment to service and regular contemplative practices, like gratitude journaling and meditation focused on compassion. 

Meaning thankfulness is a choice. Humans have the capacity to grow an attitude of gratitude intentionally, and that ability is something to be thankful for, and not just on Thanksgiving.

For more, visit philipchard.com.