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Married couple illustration
A sizable number of married folk report that, during their engagement, they harbored reservations about tying the knot. Now, we usually dismiss this as pre-marital jitters, a normal part of facing a major turning point and commitment in one’s life. Some even argue that it’s a good sign, one showing the would-be bride or groom takes the prospect of marriage seriously.
But when I counsel people in this situation, I don’t pass off their hesitation as mere butterflies or just another transitional stage in adjusting to the prospect of being two instead of one. Instead, I entertain the possibility that a wiser and more intuitive part of that person’s psyche is sending a message, one the client and I should work together to decipher. Is it just the willies or a flashing caution light?
One reason I’m so resolute in this regard is because I’ve counseled many spouses who knew, at an intuitive level, they were making a mistake by getting married to so-and-so. For a variety of reasons, they chose to ignore this early warning sign, and generally lived to regret it.
Matrimonial Diving Board
For some, the “not so sure about this” message came through with plenty of time to spare, affording them the opportunity to walk back from the edge of the matrimonial diving board. But they didn’t. For others, it came like a sledgehammer to the heart within days or even hours of the ceremony, and in a few instances didn’t emerge until they were striding toward the church altar or settling into the honeymoon suite.
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“I was standing at the head of the aisle, arm-in-arm with my father, and a clear voice in my head said I was making a big mistake,” is what one woman told me.
But among all these individuals, the decision was made to look the other way. With some this was entirely conscious. They knew a blunder was in the making but were cowed by how others—particularly family—would react. In some fashion, they determined it was better to marry the wrong person than to invoke the wrath of the betrothed and their respective families. For a few, marrying the not-quite-right person was preferrable to the daunting prospect of starting all over in finding a mate.
Nonetheless, the emotional math here is simple. The probability is that whatever guilt, shame and recrimination might result from backing out late in the matrimonial game, it can pale in comparison to years or decades of regret, inner conflict and interpersonal discord stemming from a dysfunctional marriage.
Uncertain Future
So why do so many ignore the red flags from their intuitive side? In part, it’s about immediacy. Backing out is almost certain to bring instant emotional pain and interpersonal fireworks, while the prospect of chronic marital discontent seems off in the future and less certain (“Maybe it will work out in the long run”). Some of these folks silence their mental alarm bells by convincing themselves they can fix the troubling characteristics and behaviors they perceive in their soon-to-be spouse.
“It’s a bit like a Venus flytrap,” one unhappily married woman told me, referring to a plant that lures insects with sweet nectar, only to ensnare them.
“Once you get far enough into the wedding planning and you’re basking in all that positive feedback, you feel stuck, like there’s no backing out,” she explained.
So, if you are contemplating tying the knot but something inside is saying “not so fast,” take the time to listen to your own intuition. Talk it over with a trusted confidant. Otherwise, you may end up true to this quip from comedian Rodney Dangerfield:
“My wife and I were happy for 20-years. Then we met.”
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