Distraught mother works with kids in the background
Among the many human traits that are off-putting, one that sticks in many of our craws is entitlement. In my youth, those harboring this “Aren’t I special?” mindset were simply called “spoiled brats.”
Well, there is new research explaining why these folks are hard to stomach. After assessing the degree of entitlement in their subjects, the researchers recorded their emotional reactions after enduring some bad luck event. The study found the entitled people became rankled or outraged when beset by a misfortune, even a minor one. What’s more, even remembering a bout of bad luck from their past ticked them off. Predictably, they did not react with anger when observing someone else enduring an unfortunate twist of fate; just if it impacted them directly. In contrast, those who scored much lower on entitlement as a personality trait reacted to their bad luck not with indignation, but simple garden-variety disappointment. The contrast was stark.
Entitlement is a disorder, not just a quirk. Excessive entitlement is a feature of narcissism, which is its own toxic brew. It emotionally damages the person harboring it and, too often, those around them. Granted, most of us have episodes when we feel we deserve better, that others or fate owe us some consideration. However, in those who harbor a bona fide case of entitlement, this is a persistent attitude, a way of looking at one’s self (as master) in relation to the world (as servant).
Feeling Superior?
By definition, entitlement is about feeling superior to others and, therefore, deserving the red carpet treatment, even by fate. This is the foundation of feeling entitled. After all, if you regard yourself as superior, it’s a small leap to “I deserve better.” Also, entitled types are quick to criticize, yet take offense easily. Even when offered kind and respectful feedback, they usually bristle with defensiveness, meaning they regard themselves as above criticism.
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Bottom line? Spotting an entitled person is fairly easy. If they become very unpleasant and disagreeable when their expectations remain unmet or events turn against them, that’s usually a dead ringer. If you’ve ever observed someone of this ilk in the throes of some hissy fit, I’m betting you felt an aversion to the experience. It’s not pleasant or appealing. But lest we summon too much ire for such people, there’s something important to keep in mind.
Most of them end up miserable.
Research shows that entitled humans are highly vulnerable to disappointment, anger and conflict, poor relationships and depression. This is consistent with studies indicating the most common cause of unhappiness is harboring high expectations, which is the MO of entitled people. Don’t we need to expect things of ourselves and others? Of course, but I’m talking outlandish or unreachable expectations here. Jonathon was a case in point.
Six months into his first job out of college, he was scowling over a promotion he didn’t get but felt he deserved. What’s more, he groused about feeling under appreciated by his girlfriend who, in his words, “doesn’t know how good she has it.”
“Jonathon, I’m going to level with you,” I replied. “She doesn’t have it that good. Aside from being articulate, you sound like my seven-year old son when the world or his parents didn’t give him what he wanted.”
Whiney Carping
He took offense at my candor, of course, and I don’t blame him. The only reason he graced my door was because, after several fits of whiney carping, his girlfriend delivered an ultimatum; get help or get out. He was seeing me to humor her, he admitted. After all, if you truly think you’re better than everyone else (including your shrink), why would you want to change?
To help these folks, some therapists suggest meditation with a compassion focus, hoping to grow their empathy for people, while others recommend wilderness therapy (nature doesn’t care if you’re special). Unfortunately, entitled folks who venture into therapy are often looking to assign blame elsewhere. So, when Jonathon followed suit by blaming his boss, girlfriend and fate, I made my philosophy clear.
“When I seek the source of and solution to my problems, I look in the mirror. Consider doing the same.”
For more, visit philipchard.com.
