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Woman in emotional pain
In therapy, I frequently hear clients compare their distress to that of others, often in an apologetic manner. While acutely aware of their own suffering, many pivot to the comparison game. This emerges in phrases like “Others have it far worse” or “There but for the grace of God go I” or “Compared to so-and-so, I shouldn’t complain.” Often, these utterances reflect misgivings about emphasizing or even expressing their discomfort. This seems most common when the individual’s external situation appears copesetic. Perhaps they are well off, physically healthy, living the so-called good life, or otherwise blessed by circumstance. But, inside, it’s a different story, one characterized by melancholia, angst, agitation, self-reproach or some other version of suffering.
Of course, there are folks who occupy the opposite end of this continuum, who reinforce a sense of victimization by comparing their lot to others they perceive as better off and, to them, unfairly so. Of late, this is a driving force in our body politic, underlying the cult of grievance behind what we errantly refer to as populism. Folks who feel marginalized by “elites” or “the deep state,” who believe powerful forces have stacked the life deck against them, use the comparison game to sustain this attitude. But I digress.
In some sense, those who minimize their suffering by comparing it to others who seem worse off are guarding against this “woe is me” mindset. They worry about whining and playing victim, and don’t want to come across as an ingrate. “I should complain less and count my blessings more,” is how one client put it. Clearly, an attitude of gratitude, as we love to say, is a cornerstone of mental health, however, minimizing or dismissing one’s suffering is not. These two mindsets—I’m grateful but also hurting—need not be mutually exclusive.
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Avoid Social Gatherings?
I recall a client I’ll call Susan who felt bedeviled by generalized anxiety, so much so that she avoided many social gatherings, obsessed about her health, endured occasional panic attacks and struggled with sleep. She was intelligent, attractive, financially stable, physically fit and blessed with a few close friends who were understanding and supportive, all of which prompted her to downplay the magnitude of her struggles.
“My troubles are what people call a first world problem. I’m not homeless, hungry, unsafe or victimized. I should count my blessings and get over it,” she confided.
“All your points are true except for the get over it part,” I replied.
Objectively, clearly there are many folks less fortunate than Susan. But her internal experience is not objective. It’s not about facts. It’s about subjective emotions and attitudes that work against her. Her suffering, like that of all individuals, is unique. We speak about these challenges with common parlance (anxiety, depression, guilt, fear, jealousy, etc.), but that’s where the uniformity ceases.
“Nobody else is living your life,” I told Susan. “The distress you feel is not felt in the same way by anyone except you.”
Attendees at some of my public presentations hear me say there are as many versions of reality on the planet as there are persons. The same is true for versions of suffering. Nobody knows your pain exactly as you do. They may be able to relate to and empathize with it by referencing similar experiences of their own, but these are only similar, not the same. So, that’s where the comparison game goes awry. We imagine we are comparing apples to apples, but it just ain’t so.
Consequently, the next time you start minimizing your emotional pain or berating yourself for temporarily visiting pity city, remember that the cross you bear is yours and yours alone. Any of us can find people who have it worse than we do, as well as those who seem to have it better. That’s not the point. Suffering is part of the human condition, and it is a one-of-a-kind path we all walk in our own individual way.
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