On Gender and Genitals

November 20 is the International Transgender Day of Remembrance, founded in 1998 to memorialize those who are killed due to fear of or bias against transgender people. According to one estimate transgender people have a one in 12 chance of being murdered, compared to one in 18,000 for the general population. If you haven't heard about this day, I encourage you learn more by attending UWM's candlelight vigil, which will take place at the UWM Union, Room 179 at 6 pm next Wednesday, November 19.

For my part, I'd like to use this week's column to answer a question frequently asked in any class I teach about gender identity: how do transgender people have sex?

I hope that I'm providing a public service by addressing this topic, since random people often feel free, upon learning that an acquaintance is transgender, to ask highly personal questions about what exactly can be found in said acquaintance's pants and what types of activities are engaged in when those pants are off.

A little curiosity about this issue is natural. After all, we're taught from a very young age that you can be one of two things: a boy or a girl, and that boys and girls fit together naturally "like a sword into a sheath" (actual words used in my fifth grade sex ed class. The trauma, the trauma!). If you have a penis, you're a boy, and along with that penis, you are handed a whole set of expectations about how you'll behave, what type of job you'll have, and yes, how you'll have sex and with whom. The same goes for girls. Our anatomy is still, in large part, our destiny.

A broad definition of the term "transgender" is an individual whose gender expression or gender identity differs from the conventional expectations that come along with penises and vaginas. Through their rejection of the idea that our genitals determine our gender, trans people shake up our notions of sex and sexuality. A man can have a vagina - like Thomas Beatie, the now-famous transgender man who announced his pregnancy in The Advocate. A woman can have a penis - like Angie Zapata, who was murdered in July. And some of us can refuse to pick a side, straddling the middle ground between "man" and "woman" regardless of our anatomy.

One of the things that seemed most surprising to people about Thomas Beatie was the fact that he still possessed his "girl parts" and could choose to conceive and carry a baby. Many trans people have had the experience of being asked in hushed tones, "Have you had 'the surgery'?" The questioner usually wants to know if the trans person in question has had some kind of surgical genital reconstruction. Our notion of gender is so firmly welded to our physical bodies that we have difficulty imagining that a person could live as a man or a woman without having the requisite genitalia. Let me break it to you - there is no universal gender reassignment surgery that all transgender people have. For starters, surgery is painful, expensive, and often not covered by insurance. For some trans people, chest or genital reconstruction is a goal to strive towards; for others, it's not important. Each person's relationship to his or her body is unique.

As our physical selves are infinitely variable, so are our sexual practices. There is no one way that trans people have sex. For example, some trans men enjoy vaginal penetration, and for some, the vagina is a no-fly zone. Think of this as similar to the way that some men enjoy anal sex, and some prefer to keep the back door firmly closed.

If you're curious about trans sexuality, just remember two things. First, our gender and our sexuality are much, much more than just our genitals. We would all benefit if we focused less on our naughty bits and more on our whole body, mind and spirit. Second, the ways that people behave sexually are infinitely variable, and that's true for all people, transgender and otherwise. How do you like to have sex? Somewhere in the world, there's a trans person who shares your proclivities. Would you want someone asking you about your sexual practices without being invited? Probably not - so extend the same courtesy to others.

Laura Anne Stuart owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee's East Side. She has a master's degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade. Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.