On-the-Job Training

I married young, and was very inexperienced.[My wife] came from a very religious family, and she had a lot of sexual hang-ups. I was young, cared about her and would not push her out of her very small comfort zone; however, a terrible sex life did eventually snowball and end our marriage. When I began dating, I was surprised and pleased by the way most of the women I dated enjoyed a wide range of sexual activity. I experienced good oral sex for the first time in my life, and was amazed at how it made me feel. I was also very happy to give as good as I got. For a little more than a year now, I have dated a wonderful woman. I love her, and think we would make a great husband and wife. A big problem for me, however, is that it is very clear she dislikes giving oral sex. She will from time to time, but it is the worst I have experienced, and you can just tell the whole time she does not like what she is doing. It is very hard for me to enjoy something when it is so clear my partner does not. How can I get her to be more open to oral sex and, frankly, to improve her technique?

To me, this question is not just about blow jobs. It's about how central sex is to a relationship. If there's a sexual activity that one person in a couple enjoys and the other member does not, how important is that?

It's good that you're concerned about your partner's enjoyment as well as your own, and considering both angles is key to dealing with this issue. First, do your best to make sure that you're not giving her any reasons to dislike performing oral sex. Don't try to ram your dick down her throat, and no grabbing her head and forcing her down on you. Let her be in control. Some people are very particular about having ejaculate in their mouths. Give her some advance warning when you're about to come-no surprises! Let her decide whether she wants you to come in her mouth or not, and have a glass of water handy for her to rinse. Make sure you're keeping your genitals clean, especially if you're uncircumcised, and be aware that things like smoking or eating strongly flavored foods can negatively affect the taste of your pre-come and semen.

Second, check in with her about why she doesn't seem to like going down on you. It's hard to talk to a partner about problems in your sex life, but it's worth it. Bring this up completely outside of any sexual activity. Let her know that it's important to you that both of you have a good time, that you really like giving and receiving oral sex, and that you sense that she's not all that into giving it. Respect that she might have her reasons for this, and ask her what they are. These could range from past sexual abuse that involved oral contact, to a general feeling of "dirtiness" about genitals that many of us are raised to have, to just not having much knowledge or skill around oral sex.

If there are specific things she finds unpleasant, work to find a compromise (and simultaneously improve her technique!). Does she gag? She can use her hands to control depth and stimulate you at the same time. Does her jaw get sore? She can alternate sucking and licking, or sucking and using her hands (hands are key to a good B.J.). If she thinks it's shameful or a chore, work with her to make her feel good about oral sex. Let her know how beautiful she looks to you when she's going down on you, what a turn-on it is, and how it makes you want to do crazy things to her in return.

Finally, let's say you've done all this, and she just does not like to give blow jobs and refuses to try. How important is oral sex to you? Important enough to end the relationship? That's something only you can decide. It's her right not to participate in an act that she doesn't enjoy, but it's your right to get your sexual needs met in an honest way. You're not an asshole if you think that it's essential to have a partner who enjoys oral sex. As you saw from your first marriage, ignoring your sexual needs often leads to frustration or unhappiness.

Disagree with this advice? Have your own B.J. story to share? Comment below.

Laura Anne Stuart owns the Tool Shed, a sex toy store in Milwaukee's Riverwest neighborhood. She has a master's degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade. Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.