Frank: You told me months agoto remind you, so here it is. The Olympics are coming!
Artie: Didn't we just havethose a couple of years ago?
Frank: Those were the summerkind. The Winter Olympics will be Feb. 12-28 in Vancouver.
Artie: Oh yeah. Didn't I hear Vancouver's a littleshort of something important, like snow?
Frank: For some venues, itappears they'll have to haul it in from farther north. The same thing happenedfour years ago in Turin.And I daresay it'll keep happening as the world keeps defying Rush Limbaugh bywarming up.
Artie: As far as I'mconcerned, the closing ceremonies are the best part of the Winter Games.
Frank: They don't have a lotof sports that command a huge audience—in America, at least—between Olympics.And this time, I think, American fans don't have a lot of super-duper storylines to follow.
Artie: None, if you ask me.But then I didn't even know they were starting.
Frank: Four years ago we hadthis swashbuckling skier, Bode Miller, who was supposed to be Superman. But heflopped completely and acted like a jerk to boot. This year a U.S. woman,Lindsey Vonn, is one of the world's best skiers, but the hype is toned down.Plus we don't have a riveting story in figure skating—no Michelle Kwan comebackor Harding-Kerrigan melodrama. For a while it seemed Sasha Cohen might skate inVancouver…
Artie: Sacha Baron Cohen? Youmean Borat was gonna skate for Kazakhstan?That, I'd watch!
Frank: No, Sasha Cohen, the2006 women's silver medalist who tried to come back after a long layoff. Butshe didn't make the U.S.team.
Artie: Not that it matters.People will always watch the figure skating, especially the women, ain’a?
Frank: With good reason.There's no other sport where the top-level participants have fewercompetitions, which makes the Olympics even more important. The top skatersprobably compete fewer than half a dozen times each season. In the Olympicsentire careers can be made or wrecked in one instant, one meeting of ice and athin metal edge. The atmosphere can be comically stagy, but the drama issuper-real.
Artie: Figure skaters shouldhave a category where they wear 40-pound Snoopy heads or a Big Bird costume. Itwould build a TV audience of youngsters and help the skaters, because after theOlympics that's what they'll be doing for a living.
Frank: The "Disney onIce" event, huh? There are few other individual stars whom Americans reallyknow going into these Games. There's the African-American speedskater ShaniDavis, who won two medals at Turin amid some intra-team squabbling, and ofcourse the short-track skater Apolo Ohno, who pops up every four years for afew of those roller-derby races.
Artie: I'm sure Norway is goingnuts for Ole-something-sen, the next great cross-country skier or ski jumper orwhatever.
Frank: But the big team sportin Vancouver,hockey, should be terrific. It looks like NBC and its partners, MSNBC, CNBC andUSA,will show every game, men's and women's.
Artie: Are NHL players in thisfor their various countries?
Frank: You betcha. Every timearound, the NHL whines about shutting itself down, but there's hardly anythingless meaningful than an NHL game in February.
Artie: OK, so that's somethingto watch.
Frank: Best of all, NBC's No.1 play-by-play announcer, Mike Emrick, is superb. I think he's the bestbroadcaster for his sport of anyone—knowledgeable, exciting, somehow keepstrack of everyone on the ice, explains the flow of the game. If you're intohockey even a little bit, it's a delight.
Artie: Anything else besideshockey?
Frank: The skiing is fun towatch, the ski jumping is cool, and nothing's crazier than the luge except forskeleton, where they shoot down the ice face-first. And for me there's theguilty pleasure of...
Artie: Can't be women's beachvolleyball in the winter. Is there ice volleyball?
Frank: Nope, it's somethingthat couldn't be further from beach volleyball, in action or attire. Women's curling!
Artie: Don't men do it, too?
Frank: Yes, but I seem to haveinterest in only one version. It's fun to watch the strategy as the"rocks" slide down the ice, with the broomers sweeping frantically tomake them do something or other.
Artie: I'll hold out for icevolleyball.
Frank: But talk about youngpeople—most of what they follow is what we geezers think of as novelty stuff.Snowboarding, half-pipe stunt jumping, aerial skiing.
Artie: Like ultimate fighting,this stuff is a big subculture.
Frank: Maybe not"sub" in the future. In 50 years the "goofy” stuff might be themain attraction of the Winter Games.
Artie: Assuming there's anyplace with enough snow.
More Speed Bumping
Frank: Two days after theOlympics open, there's the "Great American Race," the Daytona 500. Isee NASCAR advertising this as a return to "racing like it's meant tobe." So I ask the gearhead in this partnership, what's that mean?
Artie: To make things morecompetitive for the drivers, they're making design changes in what was the"Car of Tomorrow"…
Frank: Which is now the Car ofYesterday?
Artie: Maybe the Day AfterTomorrow. They're also changing the size of the restrictor plate, somethingused mainly at superspeedways like Daytona and Talladega, to give cars more horsepower anddrivers more control. And the bump-drafting policy is changing.
Frank: Better explain that tothis non-gearhead.
Artie: Because of the amazingspeeds, cars can lock right on each other's rear ends and "draft," ortag along. In the past there were certain no-drafting zones on a track.
Frank: Because the speedswould be so high with cars just inches apart?
Artie: You got it. Nowthere'll be none of those no-drafting zones. It'll be wide-open racing—at leastI hope so. The last couple of years the racing's been terrible, very littlepassing and boring as hell.
Frank: It's always boring ashell to me.
Artie: The TV ads are like thelatest Domino's Pizza campaign—"We admit the product was lousy, but it'lltaste better now."
Frank: NASCAR President MikeHelton invoked the adage, "If you ain't rubbin', you ain't racin'."Sounds like they want more crashes and flying cars. And that they're trying tofind another Dale Earnhardt.
Artie: Yeah, when you don'thave heroes and villains and fisticuffs in the infield, something's gottachange—and their TV ratings reflected that. So hopefully, along with these newrules, they'll hire Vince McMahon to orchestrate some of the mayhem.
Mad Hot NBA
Frank: A few hours afterDaytona ends, there'll be one of those must-miss all-star games, this one inthe NBA.
Artie: Must miss? Not for me,pal. I love All-Star Weekend!
Frank: Really? The dunkcontest, the three-point contest...
Artie: The rookie-sophomoregame, the skills challenge, everything. And especially the game itself, becauseyou get to see more of the Globetrotter-type stuff, the outlandish skills ofthe players. The behind-the-backs, the no-looks, the thunder dunks. It's somuch better than most of the regular-season snooze-fests.
Frank: So the game's inherenttriviality allows the players to let 'er rip. As opposed to, say, lastweekend's NFL Pro Bowl, where the main goal is to not get hurt.
Artie: Which many accomplishby not even showing up.
Frank: But at least the ProBowl choices really prove themselves during the season. In the NBA, AllenIverson, who got dumped by Memphisand has played fewer than half the 76ers' games, was voted an East starter bythe fans.
Artie: And Tracy McGrady, whohasn't played in months because of injury, almost was voted a West starter. Ifthat's how in-touch the fan-voters are, it's time to change the system.
