Madman Might Seize Control of Dojo
Get Wry is acquainted with some doozies on social media, including Rohn Demogorgon, the uncle of a friend of a friend. This particular doozie is a purveyor of slot machines, and he’s been known to complain about strange things—like how the fence in his backyard is never quite tall or sharp enough to “keep out the you-know-who’s.” Last Monday, his fervor on Facebook escalated. So let’s eyeball his rants with our mouths agape!
Wednesday, September 21st, 9:40 a.m.
A lot of people don't know this, but I am actually very, very good at cyber. My posts are the best. They're just incredible. People who say I'm not a very, very good cyber-knowing guy don't know what they're talking about. Big announcements coming, people. HUGE.
You want the cyber to be great again, and that's what I deliver. I want my doubters to know that, no matter what, I am very, very good at thinking I am the best at everything. For instance, there's karate, which I have no experience doing whatsoever. And I'm just incredible at it. So clearly, I should be the Sensei at your local dojo.
Telling the current Sensei that I planned on taking her job was no easy task, but I had the cojones to do it. Then the dumb broad had the gall to ask me if I had any background in martial arts. I was so insulted I had to fire back: “Are you PMS’ing or something?” What a disgraceful woman.
Let me make something clear. I’m too busy becoming the next Sensei at Kick Start Dojo to worry about not having a piddling yellow belt, OK? I don’t even have a white belt, but so what? My mind never gives in to the weakness of reason, so I will soon be destroying lesser mortals as Master Sensei Demogorgon. The Kick Start kids only stared at me in a state of shock when I told them so. Time to rally some of the parents by telling them how very, very great I am.
Thursday, September 22nd, 10:01 a.m.
Several parents of the kids at Kick Start accepted my friend requests, PROVING THEY’RE NOT LOSERS. I went down to the dojo to give that dumb broad Susie O’Connell a dose of reality, to let her know what a disappointment she is. On the way there, I stopped to collect an incredible coin harvest of two-hundred smackers from the Boogie Monsters machine at Ziggy’s. Realizing that drunk people will gamble makes me a genius.
Cyber up for some rough, tough questions about your local dojo. When was the last time your dojo got into a rumble with another dojo? What, are you afraid your dojo would get ROADHOUSE KICKED TO DEATH?! Sensei O’Connell has flat-out refused to start a rumble with the Lil’ Warrior in Oshkosh—a dojo that grows ever-stronger and more dangerous. What a pitiful coward.
When Lil’ Warrior strikes, I don’t think measly leg sweeps and chops are gonna cut it. Our preteens are weak and they need more weapons. O’Connell does keep some of those Samsung swords and throwing stars in a display case, but get this: It’s locked and “off limits.” Are you kidding me? What’s the point of having deadly weapons if you’re not gonna use them?
By the way, I never called them SAMSUNG swords, OK? These people who fact-check my FB posts are total morons.
Friday, September 23rd, 2:35 a.m.
I’ve been jotting down some smart, smart ideas here, and this one is the very, very best: Exploding throwing stars. Boom. That’s what I say after unleashing a smart, smart idea. Also the noise the stars would make.
Great cyber news. Almost half of the parents are considering me as the next Sensei. These are smart parents. They’re just incredible. Here’s how I intend to get more parents of the dojo kids on my side: I spoke with a good friend/ merchant on the black market, and HE IS GONNA HELP US MAKE EXPLODING THROWING STARS A REALITY FOLKS.
I spent a couple hours outside of Kick Start, smearing my face against the front window to show I would not be intimidated. It was close to the end of their session or rehearsal or whatever they call it when a girl stepped outside and offered me a handful of colorful candy. I slapped her open hands and every piece spilled into the gutter. Can you believe Sensei O’Connell tried to get a little girl to poison me? Despicable.
Saturday, September 24th, 3:30 a.m.
Taking a cyber stance: I will have zero tolerance for the children of Kick Start poisoning me. This much I vowed in a group message to the parents, even the ones who do not want me to become Sensei, because they are secretly gay or else PMS’ing really, really bad.
The day will soon come when the dojo kids of Fond du Lac will no longer want to poison me. They will be mine to control. I will use them like half-sized police boys and girls. They will do my bidding to stop and frisk the enemies I see coming from a mile away because my eyesight is just so incredible. I am gonna teach my wee cops to have a strong work ethic, like Germans, and have old-fashioned values too. So basically, I want these dojo kids to act like the German police did in the ’30s and ’40s.
Sunday, September, 25th, 2:05 p.m.
That dumb broad O’Connell has challenged me to a one-on-one showdown for control of Kick Start! I said of course, then called her an ugly loser and hung up. I am gonna train for tomorrow by looking in the mirror and telling myself I am the best at everything. Pretty great, regular Sunday.
Is it chilly in here? Because I am saying “CY-BUUURRRRRRR.” OK, I really think that’s the best one yet.
Monday, September 26th, 10:50 p.m.
I want to congratulate all the parents who were on my side earlier tonight. You cheered for a winner, karate master, and future Sensei, even if that Oriental judge or whoever he was awarded the game or whatever it was to Susie O’Connell, who is a no-good cheater. I WAS NOT READY! While it may have seemed like I nodded right after being asked if I was ready, I was stretching my neck muscles. O’Connell then clearly ignored my ground rules in her punch-kicky onslaught when I shouted: “NOT THE FACE!” To make matters more disgraceful for that slob, some of her gross sweat even splashed into my eyes when no one was looking, then started running down my cheeks as people started to look back at me. Pathetic.
I can’t wait for Sunday. She is gonna make me look even more incredible in our second of three showdowns to settle this thing.