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So you go out on a Saturday night. Maybe you gel up your ‘doreal nice or put on your shiny, dancing shoes. I don’t really know. It’s yourSaturday night.
So you’re still all like, “I’m going to see some music.” Butwhat kind of music, son? Smooth jazz? A screaming girl with a guitar and amohawk? Polka, yeah hey? None of the above. You are going to see a rock show.
You may be a bit apprehensive. “What if the other kids don’tlike me?” Don’t worry. Everybody is there for one purpose: to crank the dial upto maximum and burn that mother down. It turns out you love it. Let your hairdown and let your freak flag fly, my little rock friend. Bang it out. Punchsomebody in the back of the head if the music moves you in that direction. Justmake sure the person knows it was the music and not because he slept with yoursister. People are generally understanding when acts of violence are done inthe name of rock.
The show is over. You feel great! Nothing can touch you inyour rock force field. Drink some whiskey. Smoke your funny smellingcigarettes. Rejoice in the victory of a psychedelic Saturday. As you collapsein your bedsounds of face-melting solos all up in your headyou travel tosleepy time land and dream of banging it out every night. What the hell? It’srock and roll, baby.
Now it’s Sunday morning. The birds are chirping.
“Hey, what did you do last night?”
“Awwww man, I got so schwasty.”
Side note: Birds love to get drunk when nobody is watching.Birds are alcoholics.
It’s 9 a.m., and you wake up for no reason. With your eyesbarely open, you already know something is awry. Your neck won’t move. Yourarms ache. Your noggin feels like Louie Anderson sat on it. Don’t panic. You,my friend, have a bangover.
Bangover: n. Disagreeable physical effects following heavyconsumption of rock music, typically caused by repeated thrusting of the headup and down.
This is not to be confused with a hangover. Two verydifferent experiences. A hangover usually consists of picking your bra anddignity off the floor while holding back vomit, popping some headache candy andshoveling McDonald’s in your gullet.
There is nothing known to man that will cure a bangover.It’s like a common cold or herpes.
But what about Advil or Tylenol? Ha! I laugh in your face.Do you really think medicine created by mere mortals will extinguish the fireignited by the rock gods? No, seriously? Do you? ‘Cause you are wrong.
Ah, I see you are reaching for an ice pack. Nice try. Afrozen tauntaun testicle on Hoth wouldn’t numb the searing pain when yourroommate wakes up and decides it’s talk-as-loud-as-you-can day. You must dealwith the drum solo from that song you heard last night on repeat.
All you can do is roll with it. Find something to take yourmind off it. Do a challenging crossword puzzle, perhaps. There is never a wrongday to beef up your Barbara Streisand discography. How do you feel when I throwthe words “Matlock marathon” out there?
It will all be over soon. You will swear off shows foreverknowing full well you will totally be right back where you started as soon asthe first person asks you if you feel like getting your ass kicked and yourface melted off.
So you’re still all like, “I’m going to see some music.” Butwhat kind of music, son? Smooth jazz? A screaming girl with a guitar and amohawk? Polka, yeah hey? None of the above. You are going to see a rock show.
You may be a bit apprehensive. “What if the other kids don’tlike me?” Don’t worry. Everybody is there for one purpose: to crank the dial upto maximum and burn that mother down. It turns out you love it. Let your hairdown and let your freak flag fly, my little rock friend. Bang it out. Punchsomebody in the back of the head if the music moves you in that direction. Justmake sure the person knows it was the music and not because he slept with yoursister. People are generally understanding when acts of violence are done inthe name of rock.
The show is over. You feel great! Nothing can touch you inyour rock force field. Drink some whiskey. Smoke your funny smellingcigarettes. Rejoice in the victory of a psychedelic Saturday. As you collapsein your bedsounds of face-melting solos all up in your headyou travel tosleepy time land and dream of banging it out every night. What the hell? It’srock and roll, baby.
Now it’s Sunday morning. The birds are chirping.
“Hey, what did you do last night?”
“Awwww man, I got so schwasty.”
Side note: Birds love to get drunk when nobody is watching.Birds are alcoholics.
It’s 9 a.m., and you wake up for no reason. With your eyesbarely open, you already know something is awry. Your neck won’t move. Yourarms ache. Your noggin feels like Louie Anderson sat on it. Don’t panic. You,my friend, have a bangover.
Bangover: n. Disagreeable physical effects following heavyconsumption of rock music, typically caused by repeated thrusting of the headup and down.
This is not to be confused with a hangover. Two verydifferent experiences. A hangover usually consists of picking your bra anddignity off the floor while holding back vomit, popping some headache candy andshoveling McDonald’s in your gullet.
There is nothing known to man that will cure a bangover.It’s like a common cold or herpes.
But what about Advil or Tylenol? Ha! I laugh in your face.Do you really think medicine created by mere mortals will extinguish the fireignited by the rock gods? No, seriously? Do you? ‘Cause you are wrong.
Ah, I see you are reaching for an ice pack. Nice try. Afrozen tauntaun testicle on Hoth wouldn’t numb the searing pain when yourroommate wakes up and decides it’s talk-as-loud-as-you-can day. You must dealwith the drum solo from that song you heard last night on repeat.
All you can do is roll with it. Find something to take yourmind off it. Do a challenging crossword puzzle, perhaps. There is never a wrongday to beef up your Barbara Streisand discography. How do you feel when I throwthe words “Matlock marathon” out there?
It will all be over soon. You will swear off shows foreverknowing full well you will totally be right back where you started as soon asthe first person asks you if you feel like getting your ass kicked and yourface melted off.
