By now you’ve heard about the redneck militia led by Ammon Bundy (no relation to Peg and Al Bundy of “Married with Children” fame) that seized a national bird sanctuary somewhere in nowhere Oregon. What began as an act of insurrection has since turned into the stuff of stand-up comedians and another national embarrassment. It’s not hard to imagine our enemies watching from afar and wondering how we manage to lead the world.
Anyway, no sooner had the militia encamped in the dead of winter, hundreds of miles from the nearest Walmart, than calamity ensued. It seems they had forgotten to bring snacks, warm socks and snow camouflage. I can understand the last one. They had probably already used their white sheets playing Klan. Then the terrorist leader’s bodyguard turned out to be a mock U.S. Marine while another soldier of this misfortune spent donation money on a booze binge at a local motel. Meanwhile, they’ve issued a supply wish list including tampons as well as other nécessaires, Miracle Whip and, of course, Marlboro Reds.
The federal government’s response remains “wait and see.” But smart Tweeters fired a broadside, calling the motley insurrectionists Y’allQaeda. Birders sent a sternly worded “we’re watching” letter. If the militiamen had any dignity left after those scathing attacks, it surely wilted under another withering volley of Tweets. They alluded to that cowboy love story, Brokeback Mountain. I believe in killing with kindness and irony so, at first, it was hilarious. The homoerotic image of crazed, heavily armed domestic terrorists huddling and cuddling through bitter cold winter nights in a lonely wood was amusing enough. But then the deprecating gay stereotyping continued. In a psyop-like strategy intended to make the militiamen feel foolish, feckless and gay, Tweeters milked that ever-popular homophobic notion of the failed masculinity of homosexual men.
Calling this unfortunate manifestation of American masculinity “gay” is part of that micro-aggression awareness thing that’s trending these days. The sad reality is our all-American straight masculinity is embodied in those idiots in the woods. Wear a big cowboy hat, dress up in camouflage, arm yourself to the teeth, accessorize with mail-order combat gear, capture a bird sanctuary defended by finches, put it all on social media and you’ve proven your American manhood.
Not surprisingly, in response to President Obama’s recent executive action on gun purchase background checks, some rube decried it as the emasculation of America. Certainly, if you’re a straight guy wearing a big cowboy hat and stroking your assault rifle with an extra-capacity magazine, you’re already emasculated. If you’re posing as a veteran U.S. Marine, you’re already emasculated.
Anyway, other than that, comparing domestic terrorists to gay people is entirely misplaced. A well-regulated LGBTQ militia would have thought to bring warm (and colorful) socks, healthy snacks, cocktail shakers, skis, fondue pots, a karaoke machine and designer winter attire. Of course, the lesbian book club would have read Sun Tzu’s Art of War and advised against laying siege to an out-of-the-way aviary. They would have targeted Vail, Colo., instead. It’s dotted with five-star luxury resorts and tampons are readily available at the local 7-Eleven.
