Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So I hear another Summerfest time is here, and I’m reminded of a little riddle: What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to work? Drop him off at band practice. Ba-ding!
And because it’s that time of year, seems to me that the only thing people read are the directions on a can of bug spray. So what the fock, I’m declaring my independence from delivering an essay this week so as to dip into Artie’s Joke Satchel and see what comes out. Let’s get to dipping, shall we?
How ’bout this one? A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and seemingly very frustrated. The egg says icily, “Well! I guess that settles THAT question, ain’a?” Ba-ding!
How’s your health care situation? This guy named Jerry was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Jerry’s frail condition grew worse, and he motioned desperately for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Jerry used his last ounce of strength to quickly scribble a note and then died.
The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy and realized he was wearing the same jacket he’d worn the day Jerry died.
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“You know, Jerry handed me a note just before he passed,” the pastor said to the assembled. “I haven’t read it, but knowing Jerry, I would believe surely that it would contain a word of inspiration—a word of inspiration for us all.”
The pastor reached into his pocket, unfolded Jerry’s note and read aloud, “Help me! You’re standing on my oxygen tube, jackass!” Ba-ding!
Need a good lawyer? This guy’s facing a possible death sentence, and his lawyer is making a plea bargain with the judge. The lawyer comes out of the judge’s chambers and says to the guy, “Well, I got some good news and I got some bad news. The bad news is that, yes sir, you’re getting the electric chair all right.” And the guy says, “What the fock! So what the hell could possibly be the good news?” Lawyer says, “I got the voltage reduced.” Ba-ding!
How ’bout a family outing? So this guy takes his young son to see the dinosaurs at the museum. They were looking at some old bones and the boy asked a passing security guard if he had any idea how old the bones were. The guard said, “Those bones are 70 million, four years, and six months old.” The boy was impressed. He said, “How the heck do you know their age so exactly?” And the guard says, “You see, the dinosaur bones were seventy million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.” Ba-ding!
And speaking of young sons: So there’s this gal who enjoys a gentleman’s company while her husband’s away at work. One day the husband comes home unexpectedly, wouldn’t you know, so she quickly hides her gentleman caller in the bedroom closet, not realizing that her 9-year-old son had already been camped out in the closet during the boudoir proceedings.
The boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy says: “I have a baseball.” Man says: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s outside.” Man: “OK, how much?” Boy: “$250.”
A few weeks later, it so happens that the boy and his mom’s gentleman again find themselves together in the closet.
The boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy says: “I have a baseball glove.” Man says: “Let’s cut to the chase. How much?” Boy: “$750.” Man: “Fine.”
Now it came to pass that a few days later the father asks his young son if he’d like to grab his ball and glove, go outside and play catch. The boy, of course, says he can’t because he’s sold them. The father asks for how much and the boy replies, “$1,000.” The father admonishes the lad that it’s sinful to overcharge his friends in the way that he did and that, as a consequence, he would take the boy to church to confess his transgression.
And so they go to St. Stanislaus and the boy enters the confessional. Boy says, “Dark in here.” Priest says, “Listen, don’t start up with that shit again.” Ba-ring-a-ding-ding!
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Hey, enjoy your Fourth ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
