Are You an Extrovert or an Introvert?

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Photo credit: Stefan Stefancik

Dear Shrink,

How do you know if you’re an introvert? Often when I’m invited to do things with people I lie or make up a reason why I can’t join them, but then I worry I’ll get busted somehow, and people will be hurt or mad. Really, I just need some down time and don’t have much time to myself. Should I be forcing myself to go out so I don’t lose my friends?

The Shrink Replies:

A quick Google search will direct you to one quiz or another that will help you find the personality type you strongly identify with, introvert or extrovert. Very generally speaking, introverts feel drained by being around others, while extroverts feel energized by human contact. Introversion and extroversion aren’t black-and-white concepts, though. They fall on a spectrum and being purely one or the other is unlikely. As in most things in life, the truth lies somewhere in the gray zone between two extremes.

There are probably more introverts in your midst than you think. Introverts often act like extroverts and can be quite convincingly charming and chatty at a social affair. The difference is that when that “closet introvert” gets home, they’re often wiped out or peopled-out and need time alone to recover and recharge. On the other hand, extroverts seem to have unlimited energy for socialization and often are the initiators for get-togethers. They might even be “introverted extroverts” who might seem quiet when in a group but do get energy from being around people versus feeling drained by too much stimulation.

So, if you feel more like an introvert than an extrovert, how do you navigate a world that requires contact with other humans and preserve your energy and sanity? Here are some ideas:

• Since you can’t (and presumably don’t) always want to avoid contact with other people, think about ways you can do that on your own terms. For example, if you’re invited to a party where you won’t know many people, try to hook up with someone you do know who’s attending and either go with them or find them as soon as you get there. Introverts have a hard time making small talk, which is what generally happens when you enter a room full of strangers. They also don’t usually go to events to make new friends but, rather, to be with familiar ones.

• Don’t be afraid to set time limits for yourself. It’s really OK to arrive later or leave earlier. I understand your fear of being judged and called out when you do this. But if it means you can get yourself to do more things with the people who are important to you, then some time is better than no time. And being up front about your need to have a shorter evening than the rest will feel better to you than lying and totally opting out. Don’t let people guilt trip you into pushing past your limits, though. You know what you need and, while it may be different than how others function, it’s not bad or wrong. It’s just the way you are, and it’s fine.

• Talk with your friends, family or coworkers about the general topic. Find out how other folks perceive themselves or, if you’re really brave, ask how they perceive you. Armed with a little Internet research on the subject, you can actually help people better understand how you’re wired and that they don’t need to take your absences personally. People who know and love you actually have already figured this out about you. So, take a break from the lying. As for people who don’t know you that well, don’t worry about it. Do what’s right and true for yourself; the people who “get you” won’t go away. Honesty is the best policy and authenticity is important to you.

Introverts often feel misunderstood. They can be seen as aloof, distant or stuck-up. They’re labeled as shy or having social anxiety. Those impressions could be true in some instances, but they don’t define introversion. The bottom line is introverts feel different because time spent alone, being quiet or in solitary pursuits is a requirement, is mandatory, not optional, in a way that it isn’t for others. It’s truly a need, not a want.

When you pay attention and honor what your constitution needs, you’ll feel healthier and happier all around. That way, when you’re ready and willing to hang out with your friends—and you will be—you can be more present with them no matter what the circumstances.

On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant to be a substitution for mental health care.

Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.