Every year at this time I think about making New Years’ Resolutions. I try not to over-extend myself, so I pick just a couple of things I want to work on. After years of attempts at personal improvement, I have never successfully changed all that much. So what can I do to not feel like I’m a pathetic, undisciplined loser once again?
There’s something seductive about the idea of “out with the old, in with the new” as we get a chance at an annual fresh start. Fresh starts, however, can happen anytime, so the whole mythology of the New Years’ resolution is kind of a setup. We all know those folks who happily sign up for a gym membership in January and by April Fools’ Day (or sooner!) are bemoaning the money gone down the tubes.
People generally have no problem at all making a list of their flaws, and they might even start out with vim, vigor and best intentions to shake things up in a positive way. But lasting change is elusive, so you are in good company; lots of us resolution-makers end up feeling bad about ourselves by the time mid-February rolls around.
The thing about change is that people change when they’re good and ready, which doesn’t necessarily match up, on cue, to the line-in-the-sand of Jan. 1. And sometimes people need to be in a heck of a lot of pain—failed relationships, the consequences of repeated bad choices, unhealthy behaviors that result in various illnesses of mind and body, etc.—before they decide they’ve had it and vow to do it differently. Still, sticking with a new, healthy habit (or quitting an old, destructive one) takes some critical ingredients.
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Here are some things to think about that might make you a bit more successful this time around:
• Have a realistic plan.
You aren’t going to lose those 30 pounds by your cousin’s wedding in February. You can do all of the things you can think of to head in that direction (you know, eat more veggies, get off your butt and move, etc.) but don’t set yourself up to feel like a failure with that size-10 dress you bought “for motivation.” Think tiny changes, not heroic ones.
• Rehearse ahead of time and build in a plan for when you slip up.
Lasting changes happen when people put a lot of thought into the details of what they’re trying to accomplish before they jump in with both feet. They also have a strategy for what to do when a setback happens—which it will because you’re human. If you don’t have a plan for how to get back on the horse, don’t saddle up. Google “stages of change,” or read the article found at experiencelife.com/article/the-stages-of-change about what it takes to make successful changes. The “Five Steps” will make you feel much better about the process, and how missteps along the way don’t translate into “You’re a loser!”
• Cut out the self-loathing self-talk.
Easy to say, but really hard to do. We are our own worst enemy, and we often say things to ourselves that we’d never in a million years say to another human being. What’s up with that? Crazy. But human. We all have mental chatter that is all too ready to incriminate and torture us instead of cheer us on. I’d say, “Do some positive affirmations,” but you’d roll your collective eyeballs. Figure out your own version of what you’ll say to talk back to the inner judges. Tell them to shut their yaps and leave you alone. It takes a lot of conscious effort to exorcise the critical voices inside, so make sure your plan includes a strategy to drown them out.
• Put a carrot on the end of the stick.
Build in some rewards along the way. For some, the reward will be that size-10 dress that might fit in June as opposed to February or not having your Saturdays hijacked by a nasty hangover. For others, something tangible to shoot for like running a 5K in June with your kid or finally having enough money socked away that you can go on an actual, out-of-town vacation. You deserve some kind of treat for your efforts.
So good luck with your changes and may the New Year bring good things to bear. Let’s all resolve to make our own personal world, and the bigger world around us, a little better.
On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
