Can You Trust Your Partner?

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Dear Shrink:

I’ve been dating a guy for more than a year, and I think this relationship could really be something that lasts. We’ve both been married before and have each made relationship mistakes that we’re trying not to repeat. We communicate well most of the time, but I’m afraid he’s cheating on me. I’ve caught him in a few “white lies,” but he assures me nothing is going on. I can’t help but listen to my intuition, though. How do I know if I can really trust him?

The Shrink Replies:

Being in touch with your intuition can be both a blessing and a curse. It’s pretty crazy-making trying to decipher which of your thoughts, feelings or suspicions are actually true as opposed to mere figments of your hyper-vigilant imagination.

You’ve chatted about what’s gone wrong in the past and how you can avoid repeating history. That sounds easy enough, right? Both of you have taken responsibility for the error of your previous ways, revealed said errors to each other and made a vow to do things differently this time. It’s a great plan, but the execution is fraught with all sorts of things to trip you up in the pursuit of being a better version of yourself in a relationship.

Here are some thoughts to consider as you evaluate your situation:

• Dating someone for more than a year might seem like a pretty good chunk of time to do a “relationship viability assessment.” But through most of the first year of a relationship, new lovers live in a fantasy world. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s why falling in love feels so terrific. But there’s a biochemical change in the brain that happens when people have an exciting new attraction to someone. We’re suddenly plunged into a bath of feel-good hormones, and it’s quite enjoyable—addictive, even! Sadly, this is a state of being that the human body simply can’t maintain at this level forever. Eventually, the hormones settle out, and the brain kicks back in to balance out the “crazy in love” energy. Enjoy it while you can!

• After the intoxication of the newness dissipates, you start to see glimpses of what lies beneath the surface with your partner. Things that you may have shrugged off in the beginning might irritate you now. I’m talking about little quirks or habits, not major deal-breakers. Great communication involves being willing to say hard stuff in a way that the other person can hear without becoming overly defensive. Now’s the time to practice speaking up about the little things. On one hand, you don’t want to pick someone apart, but on the other hand, it’s reasonable to let someone know what bugs you and find out if they are or aren’t willing to change those things. Then you can decide if you can let it go. You have to pick your battles, so save your “must-haves” for the things that are really important to you.

• Which brings us to deal-breakers. For most people who believe that they are in a monogamous relationship, infidelity is one of those things people won’t compromise on. If your previous relationship mistakes were related to infidelity for either or both of you, you’ll have extra-sensitive radar for the issue. Even if that’s not the case, learning to trust another human in an emotionally intimate way takes bravery and patience. Since you’ve already questioned his honesty in specific situations and gotten his reassurance that you have nothing to worry about, maybe it’s time for a more generic conversation about the deeper things that are important if a relationship is going to make it over the long haul. Does he share values that are important to you or at least understand and respect them? Are you both willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship better than your previous ones? What old, dysfunctional behaviors are you each committed to changing? Can you call each other out if those patterns emerge again?

These conversations will give you more information about your relationship and whether or not this is a match made in heaven. However, our dilemma about trusting your intuition vs. trusting what your partner says is a tough one. When your body and mind register danger, it’s hard to override it with someone’s reassurances. Have the hard conversations. Be brutally honest with him about your observations. Let him know you really want to trust him but also own the fact that you might be overly touchy about things. Some of his behaviors aren’t sitting well with you, and he needs to hear you out, take you seriously and talk about what’s happening on his side of this dynamic. Consider seeing a therapist to look at the baggage that might be clouding your view of things, or see if he’s open to having a few therapy sessions together.

All relationships are opportunities to learn about ourselves, and you’re both coming to this relationship with bruised hearts and best intentions. The better you know yourself and what makes you tick—and the same goes for him—the less confusing it will be to separate your gut feelings from reality. So, for now, stay the course and take time to learn and practice some new approaches to dealing with discomfort and conflict. No matter what the future holds for the two of you, you’re on your way to that new and improved version of yourself and a better shot at more happiness and contentment in all relationships.

On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. The advice offered in this column is not meant to be a substitute for mental health care.

Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.