Dealing with Divorce in the Social Media Era

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Dear Shrink,

I’m recently divorced after a 16-year marriage to a man I should have left at about the five-year point. Wouldn’t you know it; he was the one who finally pulled the plug after he fell in lust with a co-worker half his age. The hard part now is that he’s been posting nasty comments about me and about our divorce on Facebook. And then there are the pictures of him and the new girlfriend nuzzling each other. He also texts me, usually at bar time, about getting back together, how he’s changed, etc. How do I get him to stop?

The Shrink Replies

What an ordeal. He sounds like a real prince. Although your life with this guy was less than satisfying (and that’s putting it mildly), it doesn’t surprise me that you’re still on his mind. And by that I don’t mean the wistful, friendly kind of “on his mind,” but the kind where he thinks he can still control you and is likely going to keep trying until he gets tired of it.

So, first of all, congratulations to you for being out of his daily domestic orbit, no matter who initiated it. I’ll bet it feels like a relief. But the two of you had a well-established relational game going for many years, so now it’s time for you to take some control of your half of this equation and change up the old games with some new strategies of your own. Think about these options:

• Stay away from social media. I know you’re ready to argue with me but hear me out. Facebook is a curse. It provides a platform for some pretty cruel ways to annoy, bully and harass (not to mention manipulate elections, but that’s another topic for another day). And do you really need to check Instagram to see what he was up to last weekend when you were home with sick kids?

I get it. You are living a non-coupled life now, and it takes more conscious effort and energy to stay connected with people. This is the mixed blessing of social media sites. They are fantastic for frequent, spontaneous connection with people you don’t have time to chat with or meet for dinner. At a minimum, consider blocking your access to him—and his to you—in whatever way you can. Lock down your privacy settings and see if that helps. I can’t do anything about you feeling morbidly curious and going out of your way to troll him, but at least if you put some obstacles in the way you might not be as tempted, and he might run into some digital brick walls.

• If you can’t bear the thought of going completely social media free, think about shutting down your current Facebook account and opening up a new one under a name that he won’t recognize. Make sure you tell your essential friends what you’re doing and divert the traffic to the new profile. If some of these friends have been keeping you up to speed on his social life because they’re seeing his posts and tweets and think you should, too, consider asking them to please not share this stuff with you, no matter how juicy it may be. It’s irritating and hurtful to you, and you certainly don’t need that in addition to all of the other adjustments you’re making these days.

• Do you feel as though his random texts border on harassment? Do you feel afraid about anything he says to you? This is a level of intimidation that might warrant a no-nonsense message from you (or from your divorce attorney) telling him to lay off. Depending on whether he’s truly an abusive guy or just a pesty and annoying one, this could either egg him on (knowing he’s getting to you) or could be your “line in the sand” communication to him that you’re not playing the game anymore and won’t be responding to him when he contacts you without a good reason to do so.

• If you have any concerns at all about your safety, make sure you tell people close to you what’s going on, and if you are unsure about how to handle anything that worries you, local or national domestic violence hotlines are great resources. The people who staff them have talked to many women just like you and will help you evaluate your situation. No question is a stupid question, and no worry is a stupid worry. Ever.

Even though you say you should’ve left your marriage many years ago, remember, you stayed in it for good reasons. Maybe for your kids, maybe financial, maybe because of your history together, etc. People stay in mediocre marriages for lots of reasons that make sense at the time and aren’t necessarily the wrong choice. For you, it may have been a case of “too good to leave, too bad to stay” (which, by the way, is the name of an interesting book on the topic).

Regardless of how bad things can get along the rocky road of marriage, even in the worst cases, there is at least 1% of it that was OK enough. That’s why it still hurts like hell when the marriage you hoped would end actually does. You have to grieve the loss of the 1%—or more—that was good.

Losing what you thought your life was going to look like 16 years ago when you walked down the aisle is often worse than losing the actual marriage. So give yourself some space to grieve the loss of your dream. You’ll get through this, and, in time, you’ll have new dreams to look forward to.

On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not mean as a substitute for mental health care.

Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.