Dear Shrink,
I’m a reasonably attractive, successful, mostly optimistic, 34-year-old woman in search of a plain old “nice guy” to date. I’ve been set up by friends, I’ve tried the dating sites, I’ve started random conversations in the produce aisle, but I’m striking out. What am I missing?
The Shrink Replies
Frustrating, isn’t it, the whole dating scene? It’s pretty much a miraculous feat to find someone who matches up with the most critical items on your “must-have” list: smart, funny, cute, employed and/or financially stable, good listener, likes to talk about something other than themselves, has nice friends, loves their mother, etc. And then there’s basic chemistry. Like I said, it’s a miracle people find each other and make it stick.
So, to your question, what are you missing? Perhaps nothing. Sounds like you are doing what you can on your end to be a diligent shopper. The relationship equation is a 50-50 proposition, and all you can do is your 50%. You have zero control over who shows up on the other end with the other 50%. And that’s the problem. You’re dealing with a limited sample.
I get your frustration, and I wish I had a magic recipe for you, but I don’t. Here are a few thoughts, though:
• Don’t completely rule out online dating. True, the process can feel like death by a thousand paper cuts, but it does provide a shortcut in the vetting process. I mean, why wait until date number four to find out he wants nothing to do with being a parent if your clock is ticking and you want kids? Let the algorithm do that for you. Engage a really smart, wise, honest friend to help you critique and tweak your profile. Change things up a bit; don’t cave on your “must-haves” but try writing about yourself from a different angle.
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•You know the old adage: “Birds of a feather flock together”? Get involved with people who like the same things you like or who have the same values you do. Do some volunteer work. People who volunteer are generally inclined to be givers. Givers who attract other givers probably fare better than givers who attract takers.
• Find an activity or group that does something fun or new, like a cooking class or salsa dancing. If yoga or meditation is important to you, sign up for a new class or workshop. Whether you meet your future mate there or not, you’ll meet other people who have the potential to be friends. Nice people tend to hang around with other nice people.
• If you are just sick and tired of putting yourself out there, then take a break. Instead of being paralyzed with dread at the notion of being forever single, dive into that thought and the feelings that come with it. Wrap your head around the notion that living a life without a primary partner will not kill you. Sure, there will be moments when you will feel pretty frustrated and lonely, but there will also be ones where you feel lucky that you have no one else’s needs or issues to navigate on a daily basis. (If you doubt this, talk to your friends who are married with three kids!)
Kudos to you for maintaining your belief in love in the face of your frustrating pursuit. But for now, take a breather if you need it. Work on loving yourself a little more, putting yourself in the company of people who appreciate you and imagine being content with your life as it is. Whether your ideal mate eventually shows up or not, you are all you’ve got. And who you are is enough.
On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care. Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.
