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How much time do we spend thinking about ourselves, or what some refer to as contemplating one’s navel? Lots. Unless fully absorbed in some task, interaction or pursuit, we spend the majority of our cognitive bandwidth observing, judging and obsessing over ourselves.
Thinking about one’s self comes in many flavors, including self-criticism, the comparison game, worrying about one’s health, contemplating one’s actions, remembering past events, and a persistent sub-vocal narrative about one’s moment-to-moment experience. Regarding the latter, this pedantic voice we call “self-talk” provides ongoing reminders of who we are, what we’re doing, how we feel, what we think, and the rest. Sometimes it works against us (“I’m a bad person”) and, at other times, for us (“I’m kind and giving”). Regardless, the absence of a positive self-definition leaves us feeling that many personal challenges are insurmountable. So, answering “Who am I?” is vital work.
We begin pondering this existential question early in life, although most young kids don’t focus on it that much. Sure, even as youngsters, we possess a sense of self, but it remains fuzzy, labile and under development. However, as puberty approaches, self-definition becomes front and center, usually peaking during adolescence and early adulthood. We begin defining who we are (“I’m good at math” or “I’m very sensitive” or “I’m plain looking,” and so on), often by comparing ourselves to others in our families and social groups.
Opinions of Others
Of course, as teens, our sensitivity to peer influences soars, so no small amount of one’s self-definition comes from the opinions of others. Granted, some teens manage to define their identity on their own terms rather than by listening to input from the peer-based peanut gallery, but it’s not the norm. Why is defining one’s self, rather than being labeled by others, so challenging as an adolescent? Primarily because the pressure to belong keeps the focus on what others think. The question of “Who am I?” is counter-balanced or even obscured by the challenge of “Where do I fit in?”
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Well, as most elderly folks can attest, the answer to “Who am I?” morphs over time, primarily under the influence of a growing body of life experiences. In fact, some feel this disparity in profound ways. Adam was a prime example. Several years into retirement, he discovered that he didn’t feel much like prior versions of himself.
“Even looking back 10 years, I find myself wondering who that guy was. I’ve read some of my journals from then, and it seems like somebody else’s voice,” he told me.
At other points of passage and transition, including in response to a personal crisis or loss, many of us revisit the “Who am I?” question. While the issue of “What do others think of me?” remains important, the question of “What do I think of me?” takes on increasing significance. Of course, the timing and progress of resolving this existential question varies across individuals. And some fail to get a satisfactory answer at all, resulting in a life of obsessive introspection—a confining psychological state analogous to living in a house of mirrors.
One of Us?
Defining one’s self can be tough duty, particularly if significant people in one’s life do not approve of the emerging “me.” Which is why some of us prefer to let others tell us who we are rather than enduring the mental slogging that self-definition often requires. Consequently, many people simply take the path of least resistance and embrace a sense of self that is conferred through group affiliation. This “tell me who I am” formula is bestowed by cults, gangs, tight-knit social groups, certain religious and political clusters, controlling families, and other “you are one of us” groupings.
When we express admiration for those who are, as we say, “self-made,” we are usually referring to vocational or financial success. However, from the standpoint of mental well-being, self-made individuals are actually those who have done the hard inner work of determining their fundamental and genuine nature, and then mustered the courage to be who they truly are.
They have become, as psychotherapist Wayne Dyer suggested, “Independent of the opinions of others.” Given how many people will opine, label and judge who we are, that independence is a very good thing.
