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New Year's Resolutions
It’s that time of year. The lofty aspirations of New Year’s resolutions populate our psyches, prepping us to embrace substantive changes in our lives. However, research shows most of these commitments quickly fall by the wayside (about 80% by March), victims of procrastination or clunky approaches to behavior modification.
That’s unfortunate because learning something new, which behavior change is all about, is highly correlated with increased emotional resilience and life satisfaction. Also, we know making positive changes elevates personal power and leads to additional self-improvement efforts, but repeatedly trying and failing does the opposite. We lose confidence in our ability to better our lot, discouraging us from taking on new challenges (“Why try? I always fail.”). However, there is one approach that improves the odds one will ultimately succeed. Ned was a case in point.
Locked into chronically poor health habits, this 50ish gentleman was sedentary, overweight and too fond of booze. Every New Year’s, he resolved to exercise, eat healthy and reduce alcohol, and, predictably, fell off these wagons in short order. He visited with me in hopes of renewing his efforts in this regard. Still, given his history of failed attempts, more of the same was unlikely to prevail.
“I think you’ve proven your approach to behavior change isn’t working. Instead of trying to tackle these challenges head on, you might consider a flanking maneuver,” I suggested.
Prime the Pump
Before attempting major alterations in behavior, we sometimes need to prime the mental pump with smaller wins unrelated to our specific goal. That way, we prove to ourselves we can, in fact, affect personal transformation, paving the way to eventually take on the bigger challenges.
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“Maybe you should consider doing more of your don’ts,” I suggested, eliciting a perplexed gaze.
Don’ts. We all have them. In this context, these are behaviors we tell ourselves reside outside our lines, as in “I don’t do that.” In Ned’s case, one of his was, “I don’t garden.” Turns out, even though gardening interested him, he told himself it was not his thing because he seemingly lacked a green thumb. Subconsciously, he defined himself as a person lacking that skill (“I’m not a gardener”). Self-definition can be restrictive, convincing us that certain behaviors don’t fit with who we are.
“If you learn to garden, in addition to enjoying it, you’ll also end up re-defining who you are in a small but important way,” I suggested.
Ned and I identified several other “don’ts” (cooking, live theater, journaling) that inhabited his psyche, and he set about moving them into his “do’s” category. As he did so, he developed greater behavioral flexibility, not unlike the limbering up athletes do before a competition. Gradually, this made it easier to tackle larger changes, the kind that often inhabit New Year’s resolutions.
The Don’t List
Think about it. When it comes to behaviors outside your comfort zone, how often do you define yourself with “don’ts”? The list can be long. I sometimes encourage clients to create a list of don’ts, pick one or two that can be readily moved into the “do’s” category, and then have at it. Because we tend to define ourselves by what we do, rather than what we don’t do, this strategy alters one’s identity in small but meaningful ways, creating a growth mindset (“I can do it”).
As for New Year’s resolutions, doing our don’ts is more about embracing change as a lifestyle rather than a project. For example, instead of quitting smoking (changing a “do” to a “don’t”), one can add healthier behaviors like exercise (changing a “don’t” into a “do”). This, in turn, can catalyze a change/growth mindset that eventually makes quitting tobacco possible.
If it’s true that “I am what I do,” then by challenging the boundaries we place around our behaviors and trying new ones, we modify our sense of identity, which is key to lasting change. For most of us, creating a “new me” is about pushing past self-imposed “don’ts,” often in seemingly small ways.
Shakespeare wrote, “We know what we are, but not what we may be.” But, if we are willing to experiment a bit this next year, we can find out.
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