“We think our son may be gay,” a mom told me.
The nine-year old in question was displaying “childhood gender nonconformity,” a culturally defined proclivity (think bias) for interests normally associated with the opposite sex. As he neared puberty, his parents became increasingly focused on “which way he’ll go,” as they put it. While without moral qualms about other-than-heterosexual lifestyles, they justifiably worried about the social discrimination, insults or even violent assaults their son might endure. He had already suffered taunting and name-calling. So, out of concern, his dad asked, “Is gender identity a choice?”
Good question. We each possess what could be called a “sexual personality.” Just like the overall version, it is composed of certain attractions, interests, behavioral tendencies and turn-ons (collectively, sexual orientation), in combination with one’s gender-based sense of self (sexual identity). Obviously, one’s sexual orientation, be it straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, asexual (no interest), or another, is central to self-definition (identity). A simple description? Orientation is about who you want to be with sexually, while identity is about who you feel yourself to be gender-wise, including female, male, genderqueer, etc.
For decades, psychologists attributed a person’s sexual orientation to developmental influences, such as parenting styles, peer influences, early life sexual experiences and the like, but this has been debunked. Research indicates sexual orientation is at least partly a function of biological influences prior to birth. Those who dispute this notion often cite studies of identical twins (same genes) in which one is straight and the other gay, asserting that upbringing and personal choice are at work. But it’s not that simple.
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For instance, research indicates a mother’s prenatal hormones and antibodies are more influential than genes or developmental experiences in crafting sexual orientation. One example stems from studies showing that men with older brothers are more likely to be gay; not due to childhood experiences, but rather from a biological “fraternal birth order effect” that modifies a woman’s immune system in response to bearing multiple male offspring.
Not a Choice
So, while some folks still debate whether one has a choice with regard to sexual orientation, the science suggests we do not. Which is why the use of so-called conversion therapy, a bogus “cure” for homosexuality, is both disrespectful and psychologically dangerous. This forced bifurcation (straight or gay) not only ignores the gradations in sexual orientation that many folks display (bisexual, for instance), but also involves a direct repudiation of a central aspect of one’s sexual personality, or self.
In contrast to sexual orientation per se, the specific hot buttons that catalyze carnal arousal are largely shaped by childhood experiences rather than built in. Most fetishes and kinks, for instance, are acquired during childhood or adolescence, and often arise from the random pairing of sexual arousal with exposure to certain kinds of attire, objects or behaviors. So, it’s important to distinguish between sexual orientation, which is largely given, and preferences around sexual behavior, which are often acquired.
One’s overall sexual personality also includes things like the importance one places on sex, as evidenced by how much it occupies one’s consciousness and influences behavior. Another aspect is the degree to which one comingles sex with love, which is what makes it more relational as opposed to merely transactional. Then there are what might be called one’s style preferences, such as being more dominant or submissive, traditional or experimental, restrained or demonstrative, and so on. So, while certain aspects of sexual personality are mostly innate (like orientation), others are generally acquired (like preferences).
Biases and discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation remain common, and because both are central features of one’s self-definition, hiding them or being shamed for displaying them causes serious psychological damage. Consequently, the behavioral science tells us that parents, family and friends should focus on affirming a loved one’s sexual orientation and gender identity rather than trying to reject or engineer it. Otherwise, they are telling that person to be a fake and to betray their essential nature, damaging the self-acceptance central to well-being.
To thine own self—including thy sexual self—be true.
For more, visit philipchard.org.
