There are threethings that come to mind immediately when I think about our bodies and sex:first, our knowledge about our bodies; second, what types of bodies areportrayed as "sexy" in our society; and third, how our bodiesperform.
As a sexualityeducator, people's lack of information about the sexual parts of their ownbodies really stands out to me. Women generally don't receive any formaleducation about the clitoris, the G-spot, or orgasm, since none of these thingsare "necessary" for reproduction, and education about reproduction iswhat passes for sex ed, if it's taught at all. Men may learn a little moreabout the basics of male orgasm, but they aren't taught that prostatestimulation, or anal play in general, can be pleasurable. Our education aboutour bodies focuses on reproduction, the "plumbing" of our internalorgans, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted infections. Imagine how differentour approach to sex would be if we were taught about sexual response, orgasm,masturbation and sexually sensitive areas like the clitoris. Instead of perceivingour bodies as mysterious or shameful, we would have a much more organic andpractical approach to pleasure.
When talking aboutbody image and sexual pleasure, the most obvious topic to touch on is whattypes of bodies are portrayed as sexually desirable in mainstream media. Atthis point, I think a lot has already been written about the fact that mostlythin, hairless, unblemished, light-skinned people are presented to us as sexualbeings in movies, television, magazines, pornography, video games and othermedia. I definitely believe that this causes those of us who don't fit thisdescription to feel less than sexy and to question our desirability as sexualpartners. Since self-acceptance and confidence are key to sexual pleasure, thisnarrow view of what is "sexy" and our acceptance of it definitelyimpacts our ability to feel comfortable in our bodies and enjoy sex.
The issue ofsexual performance is probably the one that I receive the most questions about,either in the store, via my column or when I'm leading workshops. In some ways,this also relates back to media images: In either porn or mainstream movies andTV, it seems that men are always hard and women are always having screaming,squirting orgasms. Over the years, I've talked to so many people aboutpremature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, not being able to have an orgasm(or, often, requiring a very specific type of stimulation to have one), or painduring sex. Many of these are issues that we can work to improve; I would neversay, for instance, that someone should settle for painful sex. However, theshame that accompanies these perceived failings of our bodies is often thehardest thing for people to deal with. Our bodies are fallible. Sometimes theydon't behave as we would wish them to. But that doesn't mean that there'ssomething wrong with you, or that you're a failure at sex. It just means thatyou're human and that you have to work with your body and understand it inorder to experience sexual pleasure.
If there's onething that I hope to do as a sexuality educator, it's to help people realizethat their bodies are normal, and that there is a very wide range in whatconstitutes that normality. Whether your penis is bigger or smaller, whetheryou enjoy G-spot stimulation or question that the G-spot even exists, whetheryour clitoris is super-sensitive or requires jackhammer-level vibration to getyou off, whether you're a man who loves receiving anal sex or whether you don'twant anything coming near your butt, your body is normal. Accepting our bodiesand desires as they are is key to sexual pleasure.
Want Laura toanswer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered inthe column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do notappear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column,both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.
Laura AnneStuart has a master’s degree in public health and has worked as a sexualityeducator for more than a decade. She owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’sEast Side.
