Oral Communication

My wife and I had a sexual relationship for a little more than seven years before we got married. For that entire time, and for quite a few years after we were married, oral sex was always part of foreplay, and from time to time she would go down on me until I came. Then the blowjobs abruptly stopped, and she no longer wanted me to go down on her, presumably because she would feel obliged to return the favor. This went on for what must've been a year or more. I would ask before or during sex, or try to bring up the subject at some other time, and she wouldn't say much. None of her answers gave me much of a clue about what was going on. Then she walked in on me masturbating, and at first she was angry for a day or two. That was followed by the most uninhibited sex we've ever had. She gave me what was quite possibly the best blowjob I've ever experienced. And she repeated the favor the next two or three times we had sex. I noticed that her technique was quite different-and much improved. I complimented her and then said something to the effect of, "How did you get so good at that?" She seemed kind of taken aback or unnerved by the comment and mumbled something about how it doesn't take much talent.

That was the last time she gave me head. It was probably two or three years ago. She refuses to talk about it and just shuts down the conversation and changes the subject every time I try to broach it. I love her to death and the sex we do have is great, but just sadly lacking in the oral department. I have to admit that the marked change in how she gave head did make me wonder about whether she had been practicing with someone else. I've never said that to her, but I do wonder. And I haven't a clue how to proceed from here. Any ideas?

There are a number of factors at play here: how couples communicate about sex, how important a particular type of sexual act is in a relationship, the role of masturbation in relationships, and worries about infidelity. Whew! There's a lot more going on than just a simple lack of oral sex.

First, the masturbation issue. Although this isn't your central question, I'd like to state for the record that there's nothing wrong with masturbating if you're in a relationship. You say your wife was angry after she walked in on you masturbating. There could be any number of reasons that she became upset-maybe you were watching porn that she found offensive, or maybe you were jerking off into her favorite pair of socks-but the most common reason for a person to become upset when discovering a partner in the act of masturbating is feelings of inadequacy. Perhaps your wife feels that she should be the object of all your sexual desire and activities, and that if you are masturbating it means that you don't find her attractive or that she isn't "doing her job" as a partner. Sometimes this might be the case, but most often it's not. It's perfectly normal for people to masturbate whether or not they have current sexual partners.

In your case, it sounds like you reaped some benefits from her anger, namely a little long-absent oral action. I don't think it's a given that her new and improved technique means that she was practicing on someone else. Enthusiasm can go a long way toward making sex, especially oral sex, great. I also wouldn't have all the books, DVDs and classes about how to give a great blow job at the Tool Shed if I didn't think that people could learn something from them. Talking with friends is another common way to pick up sex tips. If her new tricks in bed are the only thing that's making you wonder if she's hooked up with someone else, I wouldn't worry too much. If there are changes in your relationship outside the bedroom that indicate she's seeing another person, that's another story.

It's a truism that communication is essential in sexual relationships. Your letter shows that it has to be a two-way street-all parties in a relationship have to be willing to talk about sex in order for it to work. One of the most basic pieces of advice about sexual communication is to bring up the topic outside of sexual situations, which it sounds like you've been doing. It also sounds like you are more than willing to reciprocate-you're not asking her to do something sexual for you that you wouldn't be happy to do for her. In previous columns, I've suggested that readers who would like their partners to try something new take a "what's in it for the other person" approach. Instead of saying, "I'd like you to perform oral sex more often," which can sound accusing, start by asking if there's anything she'd like to change about your sex life. Or, let her know that you're concerned about her well-being. She abruptly changed her behavior and seems uncomfortable talking about it; tell her that you want to talk about the issue to make sure that she's OK, not to demand more head for yourself.

If you've tried all of these things and your wife still refuses to communicate, then it's up to you to decide how important oral sex is in your relationship. You can't force your wife to talk about the issue or to engage in oral sex if she doesn't want to. Is it important enough to suggest seeking couples counseling together? Important enough to end the relationship or suggest opening it up so that you can get some oral satisfaction elsewhere? Is this issue emblematic of other things that are going on in your relationship that should be addressed? Only you know the answers to these questions.

Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.

Laura Anne Stuart has a master's degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade. She owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee's East Side.