Sex and Disability

Last weekend, I attended <a href="http://momentumcon.com/" target="_blank">Momentum</a>, a conference on feminism, sexuality and relationships. There were many thought-provoking sessions (I was especially intrigued by <a href="http://www.estherperel.com/" target="_blank">Esther Perel's</a>&nbsp; closing statements on sex and the American work ethic), but I learned the most at a breakout workshop on sex and disability called “Ready, Sexy, Able.”<br /><br />Presenters <a href="http://robinstoynest.com/" target="_blank">Robin Mandell</a> and <a href="http://exploringintimacy.com/" target="_blank">Ruth “Dr. Ruthie” Neustifter</a><a href="http://exploringintimacy.com/"><span></span></a> (whom I interviewed in a previous <a href="/article-13370-what-is-relationship-coaching-.html" target="_blank">column</a>) started out by discussing how people with disabilities, especially visible physical disabilities, are desexualized by society. I was really struck when Robin referred to people in general as being “temporarily able-bodied,” meaning that the majority of us will experience disability at some point in our lives due to illness, aging or other factors. This is an issue that should concern all of us.<br /><br />Dr. Ruthie asked the audience to consider how “phallocentric sex”a model of sex that focuses on the penile penetration of the vagina and male ejaculationis limiting for some people with disabilities, particularly those who are unable to experience erections or vaginal penetration, and I would argue (as I have in past columns) that it is actually limiting for all of us. As one participant noted, “Shared intimacy beats the shit out of simultaneous orgasm.”<br /><br />It's also important to remember that not all disabilities are visible or physical. For people with disabilities that make it difficult to concentrate (such as ADHD), Dr. Ruthie discussed techniques that can be used to stay present during sex, such as planning space for a sexual encounter so that it has an optimum balance of stimulation and focusing on one particular sensationone's breathing, the way a partner's kiss feelsas a way to stay grounded. Later in the conference, veteran porn star Sinnamon Love shared that she has a son with autism and has found it extremely difficult to find appropriate, comprehensive sexuality education for him.<br /><br />For those who weren't able to attend the conference session, Robin and Dr. Ruthie put their handouts online as a Google doc at <a href="http://www.tinyurl.com/ReadySexyAble" target="_blank"><span>www.tinyurl.com/ReadySexyAble</span></a>. If you are able to access Google docs, you can join the conversation on this topic and add your comments. Robin also has a resource list on sex and disability <a href="http://robinstoynest.com/Toys/ready-sexy-able-sex-and-disability-resources/" target="_blank">here</a><a href="http://robinstoynest.com/Toys/ready-sexy-able-sex-and-disability-resources/"><span></span></a>.<br /><br />After the workshop, I caught up with Dr. Ruthie to chat more about the workshop and why it's important to discuss this topic. She says, “I have been [seeking] spaces to let me do workshops on this for a while, but it's been hard to find. It's essential that under-served and underrepresented populations are getting their message out there. If sex educators and fellow professionals don't know about sex and disability, we're re-creating the oppression.”<br /><br />In her work as a sexuality and relationship coach, Dr. Ruthie encounters issues related to sex and disability a lot. “Many people assume&nbsp;that sexuality can't be a part of their life anymore [if they have a disability],” she says. “They have been taught not to ask health care providers about sex, that they should just be 'happy to be alive.'” She also discusses sex toys and sex positions a lot with clients with disabilities:&nbsp; “Utilizing sex toys or aids is a necessity, not a luxury, and these toys should have the same quality we would rely on for any other device.”<br /><br />Sex educator <a href="http://shannakatz.com/%20" target="_blank">Shanna Katz</a>&nbsp;led a workshop about sex and disability at the 2011 Momentum conference, and I was able to steal a few minutes of her time to get her take on the issue. Shanna says, “The No. 1 thing about sex and disability is that folks with disabilitieswhether cognitive or physicalare sexual beings. The notion that they are asexual is perpetuated by&nbsp;doctors, caretakers and society as a whole. Just like there are few folks of color represented in positive ways sexually in the media, there are even fewer with disabilities. People with disabilities are seen as either martyrs or pervertsthey're either fetishized or their partner is a&nbsp;'good person' for being with them.”<br /><br />Shanna also mentioned that <a href="https://fetlife.com/" target="_blank">FetLife</a> has a great kink and disability group and gave me some tips on making the Tool Shed more accessible to people with disabilities. I've tried to make sure that our store is navigable by those using wheelchairs or canes, but I now realize that many of our toy floor models (which are available for people to handle and test before purchasing) are grouped too close together for some people to see or easily pick up. She also suggested that we make it explicit that our classes are ADA-friendly, provide ASL interpreters, reserve seats at the front of the room for those who lip-read, and generally accommodate people's needs. Erm…yes…I had just assumed people would ask if they needed anything, and I need to change that.<br /><br />Shanna and I also mutually geeked out over the fact that one of our favorite toy companies, Tantus, is coming out with a new line of silicone dildos with handles that make them much easier to manipulate. Tantus had some sneak previews available at Momentum, and we'll have one of the line available at the Tool Shed in a couple of weeks. Huge bonus: They're kind of like dildo lightsabers.<em><br /><br />Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to <a href="mailto:laura@shepex.com">laura@shepex.com</a>. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.</em><em><br /><br />Laura Anne Stuart has a master's degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade. She owns the<a href="http://www.toolshedtoys.com/"> Tool Shed</a>, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee's East Side.</em>