At almost any class that I lead on a college campus, I receive questions similar to the following ones from a UW-Milwaukee workshop on sexual pleasure: "How do you convince a girl to put it in her ass?" and "Can girls have anal orgasms?" Since these questions were submitted anonymously, I don't know the gender of the people asking, but they are similar in tone to questions that I get from young men who are interested in "convincing," cajoling and otherwise pressuring their female partners to take part in an act that is still viewed by many as taboo.
As I said in a previous column about oral sex, I suggest abandoning the attitude of "convincing" a partner to try something new and taking a more egalitarian approach. First, I would like to point out that the anus is an equal-opportunity orifice. Everyone has one. If you are interested in exploring anal play with a partner, I strongly suggest doing a little self-exploration beforehand. What does it feel like to massage the outside of the anus with a little lube? How does it feel to insert a finger or a small toy? While everyone's body is different and the sensations that you feel will not be identical to your partner's, discovering how your own body responds to anal stimulation will make you more attuned to your partner's responses.
Second, if you’d like your partner to try something new with you, do your best to make sure that the experience will be pleasurable for her as well as for you. And yes, anal sex can be very pleasurable for those on the receiving end as well as those on the giving end. The anus is rich in nerve endings and sensitive to stimulation. In addition, the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, which contracts when you have an orgasm, wraps around the vagina, the base of the penis, and the anus. When someone of any gender has an orgasm and that PC muscle contracts, you definitely feel it in the back door as well as the front. Most women would not come from anal stimulation alone, but the anus fully participates in orgasm and other pleasurable sensations.
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The three cardinal rules of anal sex are: use lube, go slow, and communicate. Since the anus doesn’t produce its own lubricant, applying water-based or silicone lubes on the outside and inside of the butt and on anything that’s going to be inserted into it is essential. Start with a quarter-sized amount of lube, and add more as necessary.
A word about numbing lubricants: avoid them! There are lots of desensitizing anal sprays that have recently appeared on the market, manufactured by companies who are otherwise pretty reputable. I am not a fan of numbing lubricants for two reasons – first, because you should be able to feel and enjoy any type of sexual act that you’re participating in, and second, because pain is your body’s signal to stop what you’re doing. If you can’t feel pain during anal sex, you run the risk of injuring yourself or your partner. Some people, especially women, believe that anal sex always hurts. Done correctly, anal sex should not cause pain.
Which brings us to our other two rules: go slow and communicate. Unlike the vagina, the anal sphincter (band of muscle that surrounds the entrance to the anus) does not expand during arousal. The sphincter needs time and a gentle approach to help it relax. Partners should let each other know how they’re feeling, if they’re ready for more, and if they need to stop.
Anal sex can be fun because it’s a new thing to try, because it feels naughty, or because the anus can provide a tighter and different feeling that a vagina or a mouth. Some people find that they love how anal play feels, and some people don’t care for it. The important thing is to remember that any sex act with a partner involves two people, and both people should enjoy it.
*Note that any toy that is used anally should have a based that is wide enough to prevent it from slipping all the way into the rectum. It’s very easy for a toy that’s slippery with lube to get lost in your nether regions, which would require an embarrassing (but not unusual) trip to the emergency room.
Laura Anne Stuart owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee ’s East Side. She has a master’s degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade. Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.
