Professional Biology Research
The job of determining stress levels in whales is itself apparently stressful. The most reliable information about tension lies in hormones most accurately measured by researchers’ boarding a boat, sidling up to a whale and waiting until it blasts snot out of its blowhole. By catching enough of it (or wiping it off of their raincoats), scientists can run the gunk through chemical tests. However, a team of engineering researchers at Olin College in Needham, Mass., told The Boston Globe in September that they were on the verge of creating a radio-controlled, mucus-trapping drone that would bring greater civility to the researchers’ job (and reduce the add-on stress the whales must feel at being stalked by motorboats).
War Is Hell
(1) The newly inaugurated “Al-Qaeda in the Indian Subcontinent” (a project of Osama bin Laden’s successor, Ayman al-Zawahiri) failed spectacularly in its maiden mission in September when it attempted to commandeer an American “aircraft carrier” in port in Karachi, Pakistan. Actually, the ship was a misidentified Pakistani naval vessel that did not even vaguely resemble an aircraft carrier, and Pakistani forces killed or captured all 10 jihadists. (2) A September raid on an ISIS safe house in Syria turned up, among other items (according to Foreign Policy magazine), a Dell laptop owned by Tunisian jihadist “Muhammed S.,” containing (not unexpectedly) recipes for bubonic plague and ricin, and (less likely) a recipe for banana mousse and a variety of songs by Celine Dion.
First-World Dilemmas
(1) Ten parking spaces (of 150 to 200 square feet each) one flight below the street at the apartment building at 42 Crosby St. in New York City have been offered for sale by the developer for $1 million each—more than four times the median U.S. price for an entire home. (2) New York City plastic surgeon Dr. Matthew Schulman told ABC News in September of an uptick in women’s calf liposuction procedures—because of ladies’ frustration at not being able to squeeze into the latest must-have boots. (The surgery is tricky because of the lack of calf fat, and recovery time of up to 10 months means surgery now will not help the fashion plates until next fall.)
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The Continuing Crisis
Order in the Court: Signs went up in August in the York, Penn., courtroom of District Judge Ronald Haskell Jr. addressing two unconventional problems. First, “Pajamas are not [underlining ‘not’] appropriate attire for District Court.” Second, “Money from undergarments will not be accepted in this office.” Another judge, Scott Laird, told the York Daily Record that he’d probably take the skivvy-stored money anyway. “The bottom line is, if someone’s there to pay a fine, I don’t see how you can turn that away.”
Compelling Explanations
Habitual petty offender Todd Bontrager, 47, charged with trespassing for probing various locked doors at a church in Broward County, Fla., in August, admitted skirting the law a few times, but said it was only “to study.” “Incarceration improves your concentration abilities,” he told skeptical Judge John “Jay” Hurley, who promptly ordered him jailed to, he said, help him “further concentrate.”
Least Competent Criminals
(1) Roma Sims, 35, of Westerville, Ohio, was sentenced to just over eight years in prison in August for stealing the identities of more than 500 people between 2009 and 2013—before he was done in by having misspelled the names of several cities in various documents while working the scheme. (For example, the largest city in Kentucky is not “Louieville.”) (2) In Sebastopol, Calif., Dylan Stables, 20, already on probation, was arrested again mid-morning on July 22 when, with stolen credit cards in his possession, he decided to drive his car, even with transmission problems. Police noticed him as he slowly drove through town in reverse gear.
Round Up the Usual Suspects
Charged in August with growing marijuana at their home in Corvallis, Mont.: Rodney Stoner, 57, and his son, Adam Stoner, 24. Arrested for performing “sexually lewd acts” in front of drivers at a truck stop in Kirkwood, N.Y., in September: 56-year-old Calvin Wank.
© 2014 CHUCK SHEPHERD
