News You Can Use
Researchers from Cornell University, inspired by the book World War Z, recently computer-simulated the spread of a “zombie apocalypse”—and now advise the anxiety-prone to head for higher ground if infections break out, recommending Glacier National Park in Montana or, even better, Alaska. Using differential equations and “lattice-based” models, the statisticians demonstrated that infections would slow dramatically as fewer people became available to bite (but that, ultimately, we're all doomed). The state most quickly wiped out? New Jersey.
Legislators’ War on Science
In February, Idaho state Rep. Vito Barbieri, at a hearing on a proposed bill to ban doctors from prescribing abortion-inducing medications via remote telecommunication, asked expert witness Dr. Julie Madsen about one alternative he had in mind: Couldn’t a woman just swallow a small camera, he asked, and then have doctors “conduct” a remote gynecological exam on her? Dr. Madsen quickly reminded Rep. Barbieri that “swallowed” things do not end up in that part of a woman’s body.
Inexplicable
The international sportswear retailer Björn Borg (namesake of the Swedish tennis player) created a promotional video game (now also sold separately) that encourages not mayhem and murder, but the vanquishing of one’s opponents with love—and “lovingly” stripping them down so that they can be outfitted in Björn Borg fashions. Said a company official, a player’s mission is “to liberate haters by undressing them with your love guns and [then to] dress them in Björn Borg clothing.” (The game also features “teddy-bear smoke grenades” and a shirtless man resembling Vladimir Putin astride a bear.)
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Breaking Bad
n Mark Rothwell made the news in Portland, Ore., in March 2010 when he prevented a bank robbery (and rescued the terrified Chase teller) by jumping the thief, knocking his gun away and holding him until police arrived. He was later awarded a coveted Portland police Civilian Medal for Heroism. However, on Feb. 19, 2015, according to an arrest report, Rothwell himself pulled a gun and robbed the Albina Community Bank in Portland, making off with $15,700.
n For Arthur Mondella, 57, a successful maraschino cherry supplier in Brooklyn, N.Y., the inspection by the district attorney’s office in February was to be routine, concerning possible pollution of local waters from discharges of cherry syrup. Mondella was cooperative until the investigator discovered odd shelving “attached” to a wall with magnets, revealing a “secret” room, and then the smell of marijuana—at which point Mondella calmly left the room and shot himself in the head. Ultimately, police found that the 67-year-old company was merely a side business to Mondella’s substantial marijuana-growing operation in the basement.
Big Crime
Use What You Have: Morrison Wilson, 58, was convicted of assault in Belfast (Northern Ireland) Magistrates Court in February for using his admittedly “big belly” to “bounce” an aggressive neighbor lady out of his garden in a dispute. The lady was injured as she fell backward.
Our Next Delicate Generation
An alleged de-facto policy at Avalon Elementary School in Orlando, Fla., officials last year prohibited toilet flushing during the statewide Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test. It was thought, an official said, that the whooshing water sounds from nearby bathrooms would disturb the students (and send their scores, according to an Orlando Sentinel reporter, “spiraling down the drain”).
Cavalcade of Rednecks
A 37-year-old man and two female companions were charged in February with stealing tailgates from nine trucks in the Orlando area. (Their spree ended when, noticing that a club owner had offered a reward on Facebook for his branded tailgate, the three tried to sell it back to him but botched the transaction.)
Least Competent Criminals
Aleksander Tomaszewski, 33, was convicted of filing a false police report after a January incident in Lane County, Ore., when he claimed police had beaten him up in his cell after his arrest for stalking and sexual abuse. Tomaszewski’s face evidenced a beating, but he was obviously unaware of the surveillance camera, which revealed that, over a four-minute period, Tomaszewski (alone in his cell) had punched himself in the face 45 times to create the “police” attack.
