A Family Affair
In November, a man identified by China's Chongqing Evening News as Mr. Zhang, 32,admitted he is competitive with his wife and "never wants to lose anargument." That combativeness, however, inevitably leaves him with"bruises and scars all over" because Mrs. Zhang is a kung fu master.Mrs. Zhang, following negotiations involving both sets of parents, agreed to acontract that would limit any beatings to once a week, with aparent-administered penalty for exceeding that number.
The Continuing Crisis
American Jonathan Littell was awarded the 2009"Bad Sex in Fiction" award by Britain's prestigious Literary Review, having written passageslike these in his novel The Kindly Ones:"I came suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping theinside of a soft-boiled egg." Later: A woman's genitalia resembles "aGorgon's head … a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks. If only Icould still get hard, I thought, I could use my [organ] like a stake hardenedin the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my [organ]remained inert, I seemed turned to stone."
Least Competent Criminals
Failed to Keep a Low Profile: (1) A newssummary of traffic stops on Christmas Eve in Alice Springs, Australia,noted that 11 people were charged with DUI. One man was spotted driving despitethe fact that the hood of his car was broken in the "up" position andhad smashed his windshield. The driver maneuvered down the street by craninghis neck out the side window. (2) Two weeks earlier, in Trumbull, Conn.,police arrested Christopher Frazao, 27, after watching him drive despite awindshield full of snow, except for a small opening he could peer though. Asearch of the car revealed marijuana and other drugs, as well as itemsallegedly stolen in recent burglaries.
News That Sounds Like a Joke
n In 2004 in Merrillville, Ind., plastic surgeon MarkWeinberger skipped town to avoid mounting malpractice lawsuits and Medicarefraud charges. Authorities finally cornered Weinberger in December 2009, whilehe was living in a tent on the southern slopes of Italy'sMont Blanc. As authorities approachedWeinberger in order to arrest him, he grabbed a knife and plunged it into hisneck. Perhaps owing to his rusty skillsor incompetence, if the malpracticeclaims are accurateWeinberger missed the major artery and was captured.
n The Great Yarmouth Sea Life Centre in Norfolk, England,lowered the water level in its giant aquarium for Christmas because thecenter's big, herbivorous turtles were scheduled to receive their annualholiday treat of brussels sprouts. Officials know from past experience that ifthey fail to lower the water level, gas bubbles released from turtle farts willlift the water high enough to trigger emergency tank-flooding buzzers.
Having Fun Now!
On the heels of the "Balloon Boy"fiasco in which a father exploited his child in an attempt to win a reality TVshow, Jim Dunn of North Vancouver, British Columbia, submitted ademo reel to reality-show producers featuring him and his entire family asgasoline-soaked fireballs. Dunn, one of Canada's leading film stuntmen, and hiswife and three kids, ages 15, 12 and 9, have all performed as stunt doubles(though it was the first fire stunt for the youngest, who was 7 when the videowas shot), and abundant safety precautions were taken. No one was hurt in thestunt. In his career, however, Dunn has suffered six leg fractures and acracked skull, among other injuries.
A News of the Weird Classic
Psychology professor Russell Carney of Southwest Missouri State University told theAssociated Press in August 1992 that he had developed a technique for improvingmemory. As a demonstration, he told the reporter how he could facilitate therecall of a particular painting that was done by Degas in 1865. First, think ofan object that sounds like "Degas" (day-GAH)for example,"dagger"and then memorize the last two digits of the year bylearning the sentence "Twin new moons rose low, just clearing four pinesaplings," in which the first word begins with a T and stands for"1," the second, N, stands for "2," and so on. Thus, 1865becomes "65," which becomes "just" "low," whichcould translate to J-L, which could be "jelly," which would produce a"jelly dagger," to which the subject tries to find a resemblance,somewhere, in the Degas painting. Simple as that!
© 2010 Chuck Shepherd
