"Why are you still alive?" is thequestion that doctors often ask Ozzy Osbourne, the hard-rock singer andreality-TV star, who says he is now clean and sober after a lifetime of almostunimaginably bad habits. In June, he announced two new ventures: undergoing athree-month process of genetic mapping (to help doctors try to learn why,indeed, he is still alive) and becoming a "health advice" columnistfor London's Sunday Times. At various points in hislife, according to the now-cholesterol-conscious, vegetarian Osbourne, he drankfour bottles of cognac a day, smoked cigars like they were cigarettes and took42 prescribed medications, not to mention the many "backstage" drugsthat he could not even identify. Osbourne also has a Parkinson's-like genetictremor, was once in a medically induced coma after an accident and enduredanti-rabies shots after famously biting into a bat on stage ("I thought itwas a rubber toy," he said).
Ironies
- An intense lightning storm on June 14 around Monroe,Ohio, destroyed the iconic 62-foot-high statueof Jesus (the "King of Kings" structure of the Solid Rock Church) alongside Interstate 75. Whilesome townspeople mourned, it was also noteworthy what the lightning bolts completelymissed: the large billboard, on the other side of the road, advertising thenearby Hustler Hollywood pornography store.
- Over the years, according to a June ChicagoSun-Times report, Republican Rep. Mark Kirk of Illinois has freely used"swagger and braggadocio in talking about his 21 years of militaryservice" as qualification for office. When reporters pointed out onecontrary fact after another about his record, Kirk explained, "I simplymisremembered it wrong." He admitted that, contrary to his numerous publicstatements, he was not actually "in" the Iraq Desert Storm war; didnot actually "command the Pentagon war room" when he was assignedthere as a Navy Reservist; and was not actually once the Navy's"Intelligence Officer of the Year." He is, however, an actual GOPcandidate vying for the U.S. Senate seat once held by Barack Obama.
- Earlier this month, Douglas Ballard and Joseph Foster pleaded guilty tocharges related to selling fraudulent loans in exchange for bribes while theywere senior vice presidents of the Atlanta-area faith-based Integrity Bank. Thebank opened in 2000, touting Christian principles, giving Bibles to newcustomers and encouraging prayer at employee gatherings.
Brotherly Love
Tony Chrum, 38, was the one apprehended forallegedly buying $160 worth of cocaine from a man who turned out to be a policeinformant in Lincoln County, Mo.,in May, but his brother, who is Winfield, Mo., police officer Bud Chrum,39, was the mastermind. According to police, Bud said he needed to replace 2grams of cocaine from the police evidence locker because he had accidentallyspilled something on it, and Tony agreed to help.
Least Competent People
Christian Hernandez, 22, making his big-timebullfighting debut at Plaza Mexicoin Mexico Cityin June, ran from the ring trembling in fear at the first sign of his bull. Hewas then coaxed to return to the ring, but once again fled and immediatelysubmitted his resignation. Though Hernandez was contrite ("I didn't havethe ability. I didn't have the balls."), he was arrested for violating hiscontract and released only after he paid a small fine.
A News of the Weird Classic
The West Tennessee Detention Facility (Mason, Tenn.) made avideo pitch for Californiainmates, hoping some would volunteer to be outsourced under that state'sprogram to relieve overcrowding. The hard-timers should come east, the videourged, because of West Tennessee's "larger and cleaner jail cells, 79 TVchannels, including ESPN, views of peaceful cow pastures, and [an opportunityto experience] the ‘Dorm of the Week,' [with its inmates] staying up all night,watching a movie and eating cheeseburgers or pizza," according to a March2007 description in Nashville's Tennessean."You're not a number here," said one inmate. "You come here,it's personalized."
© 2010 Chuck Shepherd
