Hungry, Hungry Press Corps

Jim Cryns on Sports

Jul. 22, 2008

midnight

Golftournaments are undergoing more name changes than Elizabeth Taylor.

TheGMO, I mean the U.S. Bank Championship, has come and gone from Milwaukee. I understand golf tournaments aresubject to the demands and orders from the PGA tour, but why is this townforced to compete for time against the BritishOpen, I mean, The Open.The 2008 Arnold Palmer Invitational used tobe known as the Bay Hill Classicuntil this year's name change. It probably doesn’t matter much as much to the General as making sure he has plenty ofEnsure on hand.

Regardlessof the name, it’s not a tournament unless Tiger shows up. Swede Richard Johnsonwon the U.S. Bank Championship,accompanied by a host of golfers you’d need dental records to identify. This isone of the tournaments that brings golfers out of the woodwork like cockroachesin a New York Cityapartment. The smell of a possible rare victory tears players away from theirjobs at Taco Bell with the hope of a tournament win. Brown Deer Golf Course iseasier than Lindsay Lohan at bar time. There are no real hazards, the course isas short as Brewers owner Mark Attanasio. The greens are as smooth as DennisKrause’s head. The money ain’t bad. Johnson stuffed 720-thousand dollars into hispocket on his way to Mitchell International.

Haveyou ever noticed how Jason Kendall and Craig Counsell are the only players onthe Brewers who don’t use batting gloves? And where did this Under Armor comefrom? Their logo is everywhere, on the batting gloves, the steel doors inWrigley Field. The logo has more visibility than Britney Spears’ netherregions.

Kudosto the Brewers for picking up a veteran second baseman in Ray ‘Bull’ Durham. The move willeither light an offensive fire under Ricky Weeks unproductive butt-cheeks, orwe’ll have a leadoff hitter that couldn’t possibly do any worse. Weeks sayshe’s not worried about his starting job. Yeah, that’s like camping in a tent inAustraliawith an infant and saying you’re not concerned about the Dingos.

Culinary Delights and DougRussell

Oneof the nice things about covering a sporting event is the food, usually free ofcharge. Virtually every sports venue will make accommodations to feed thepress. Think of it as chumming the sharks. The more food in the belly of thebeast, the more content the media feels and they may ultimately be lessinclined to sink their teeth into your organization.

TheBucks, Brewers, Packers, Golden Eagles, Badgers and a host of other teamsprovide meals of some sort, soups, saladsand beverages. For shear quality and breadth of items, I would have to hand itto the Green Bay Packers. Granted they only have to provide chow for eightgames a year, playoffs non-withstanding, but they by far have the greatest noshin Wisconsin.A rotating service of entrees, deserts. Of course you have to edge your waypast Doug Russell of WSSP, but it’s worth the effort. A quick elbow to hisbreadbasket is usually enough, just keep your fingers away from Doug’s mouthand you’ll be safe.

TheBrewers provide a respectable meal in the press box at MillerPark,but this one you have to pay for. To be sure, it’s still a better deal thanyou’ll find at any restaurant, but media folks are cheap by nature. Other thana few high-priced talents like Lance Allen or Larry Lapidus, media jobs don’tpay much so you have to stretch your dollar. The Brewers also provide brats,hot dogs, Polish sausage to those who have forked over the cash. In the olddays at CountyStadium, meal service wasn’t aspolished, but it had a distinct sense of charm. You were served peanuts,pretzels and fresh sausages by Marty and Ed, two guys with less facialanimation than Mount Rushmore, but a lot morehair.

TheMilwaukee Bucks regularly put on a nice spread. A beautiful buffet replete withwell prepared foods such as chicken, fish, pasta. In years past when the Bucksmade the playoffs, you’d really score when they opened a dining room adjacentto the usual pressroom. This was high-classed dining with white table cloths,servers and bartenders. Not to be outdone, the Badgers and Golden Eagles eachdo a great job of feeding the salivating press contingency.

(Truthbe told, Doug Russell is a long-time friend and a great sports personality. Ibust his chops only because he told me the other day, “if I wrote anythingabout him, he’d hear about it.” I just wanted to test his hypothesis. By theway, I regularly eat four times what Doug eats, and I’ve got the girth to provethat fact.)

Inane Banter

Regardingthe Steve True interview with Greta Van Susteren, I first listened on the Web,then watched “Homer” on the tube piloting the discussion. To be clear I’veswung both ways on the issue as to which “professional broadcaster” was rudeand unprofessional. At first I thought “Homer” to be the whiny, self-admittednon-objective weasel I’ve always known him to be. I thought Van Susteren wasgracious to spend time on his impotent show. After watching the same show oncable television it appeared “Homey” was more gracious than he sounded on theWeb, and Van Susteren was quite acerbic, less than cordial and possibly a bore.It’s not fair to say “Home-town” was unprofessional ,as I don’t think he’s evertried to pretend he is objective as the name would imply. In the end, as thelate Walter Matthau adroitly stated in GrumpyOld Men, they should both pull their bottom lip over their heads and swallow.