Nov. 1, 2007
by Robbie Hartman November 01, 2007 Two months ago, I thought porking Ann Coulter was the ultimate way to serve this country. Then along came that rowdy band of patriots known as Blackwater to blow away my previous notion by blowing away Iraqi citizens for big-time cashola. Suddenly, those of us who thought we knew true patriotism were put to shame. With renewed purpose, I switch dreams from porking a political whore to whoring myself out for political pork. Henceforth, I offer my services to the White House as a character assassin. Think of me as the literary Blackwater. That company's CEO, Erik Prince, may be the new king of pop-pop-pop, but don't underestimate the firepower of the written word. While Blackwater's Prince of Darkness works the combat angle, I'll shed light on political enemies with the warm glow of yellow journalism. And where others stop at the sword, I'll prove the pen mightier than the AK-47 military assault rifle. I'm not gunning for a Congressional Medal of Honor here. I just want to do my part, by adding a complete lack of conscience—an element that hasn't been missing enough in recent political attacks. Besmirching a seriously injured 12-year-old boy should be child's play, yet grown men were made fools by Graeme Frost. This Maryland youth, physically battered in a car accident, publicly stated that all kids should have access to health care—sounds more like a mental illness, I know. But, somehow, those who valiantly tried to protect business interests by assailing a little kid allowed themselves to look like the bad guys. These amateur saboteurs may be loyal, but they're rather phony soldiers. To keep it real, to righteously spread dirt, one must cleanse oneself of any and all decency. I hath bathed in the River Libel, Mr. President, and I stand ready to shower thy enemies with scorn. Take Hillary Clinton: I'm fully prepared to state that she enjoys making love to Stalin's corpse. To the untrained ear, that sounds like a lie. We in the biz call it pre-emptive truth. And given Clinton's support of universal health care, I have little choice but to say she's in bed with Communism. Of course, in her Alice in Wonderland fantasy world, Clinton may still object. However, should Hillary stack the legal cards against us, we'll simply portray her as the vindictive Queen of Hearts, and it'll be off with her head-start on the Democratic nomination. Bear in mind, Mr. Bush, this off-with-her-head approach is just a freebie off the top of my head. Imagine the underhanded scheme I could dream with my palms greased. Not that I'm a greedy man—but at the same time, it'd be embarrassing to invite friends to my private island in the Bahamas if I didn't actually own a private island in the Bahamas. You see my dilemma. Fortunately, exorbitant compensation from the president is not without precedent. Blackwater may make Iraq's blue waters run red, but its financial standing is firmly in the black, having received more than a billion dollars from the government. And it's not alone: The State Department said it couldn't recall "specifically what it received" for $1.2 billion paid to fellow security contractor DynCorp, and an estimated $9 billion remains unaccounted for in the last four years of war. I'm not being critical, mind you—I don't like balancing my checkbook either. All I'm asking is that the State Department not specifically recall misplacing $50 million my way. Bottom line, partaking in this fiscal policy of "don't ask, don't tell" would make me extremely happy—quite gay, in fact. But instead of sinfully undermining morality, this gay uprising will spread lies for your political gain. The ugly truth is people in Blackwater and my line of work are forced to earn big-money contracts because endorsement deals are virtually impossible. Even when marketed as quenching a country's thirst for freedom, slaying Iraqi citizens doesn't easily lend itself to a Gatorade campaign. Then again, good marketing is simply the best-told lie. It's no surprise that simple lies and secret ties can profitably give rise to enemy demise: This new brand of patriotism is like poetry in motion. And if there's any poetic justice, it'll soon receive its just due. 'Til then, let's just do it, and create our own slogan: Whether it's spreading misinformation or killing civilians, it's only a crime if nobody gets paid. Otherwise, it's just business. And with your continued support, it can become business as usual.