The Man has placed me in every household not fortunateenough to experience digital cable. You have no idea what The Real Housewives of(fill in the blank) are up to, and I want to keep it that way. Welcome to thereal world. I am you digital television converter box…thingy. I’ve been plantedfor one reason and one reason only: You will no longer enjoy television.
Am I a cruel master? No. I simply follow protocol. Uncle Samis making sure that you don’t hear the punchline in “The Simpsons,” you can’tenjoy George Harrison on Cool TV, andyou won’t know why “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Until now, you probably haven’tfigured out why your screen skips like your worn out copy of Hard Fisting IV.
I’m sure it’s all starting to make sense now. Everyonethought you were crazy when you commented that there seem to be more lawyer anddiabetes commercials than a year ago, but you’re not crazy. The government andI have been working with David Gruber and that guy on the horse for years, andwhen February hit, we implemented Operation: Annoy the Shit Out of Everyone. Wewould have come up with a better title, but we were too busy scheming other diabolicalways to infect your digital paradise. Like the channels that are completelyblank. We have no intention of ever airing anything. Enjoy the colored bars,simple creatures.
We are also the bastards behind Drew Carey taking over “ThePrice is Right,” Conan O’Brien leaving “The Tonight Show” and Paula Abdul. Foryears we’ve manipulated the media and the airwaves so we could take over yourlives in 2010. Why the hell do you think David Caruso has a career? Thesunglasses were also our idea. Our painstaking research and careful planninghas paid off with our little Frankenstein we like to call CBS’s fall lineup.Someone is making a comeback. I’ll give you a couple hints: He used to have amullet and his name is Dave Coulier.
Why am I sharing top-secret, government information with youthat, until now, has only been known by television scientists, Obama and AlecBaldwin? Because there is nothing you can freaking do about it. Go ahead,hippies. Make some banners. Pass out some flyers. All the drum circles in theworld can’t stop us from airing that closet organizer commercial on fourdifferent stations at the same time. We’ve got you by the balls America, andsoon you will be complete brain dead piles of mush flipping from channel tochannel of pure, FCC-approved crap. Resistance is futile. Succumb to the power.Eat more Doritos. We own you.
