That`s what we found in our fourth sex and romance survey, which generated a record number of responses this year.
And we learned a lot. Maybe too much.
Which also made us wonder: What`s normal?
"That`s the best question of all," said Ellen Barnard of A Woman`s Touch Sexuality Resource Center, who helped us analyze Shepherd readers` sexual activities. "Normal is however you are as long as it doesn`t cause you distress. Whether you still have your virginity at age 50 or lost your virginity at a young age, you`re normal as long as you`re OK with it. As long as you`re participating in pleasurable, consensual activities with other adults, that`s normal. That`s it. Everything else is open to individual interpretation."
That said, here are the results of the always entertaining, thoroughly unscientific, absolutely revealing and sometimes horrifying Shepherd Express sex and romance survey.
Who responded: Our sample was made up of 56% men, 43% women and 1% transgendered folks. Eight percent were between the ages of 18 and 20, 41% were in their twenties, 23% were in their thirties and 15% were in their forties. A randy 13% were 50 and above. Straight people made up 84% of our pool, gays and lesbians were 6% and bisexuals were 10% of our sample. Half are self-described liberals/Democrats, a quarter are in the middle of the road politically, 14% are conservatives/Republicans, 4% are libertarians and 7% have "other" political views.
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Getting together: Men were more likely to say that they`re involved in a relationship and content, while women were more likely to say that they`re in a relationship and "madly in love," although "content" was a very close second. Men were more likely to say that they`re single and miserable, while women were more likely to say that they`re single and happy.
Gone baby, gone: No matter if you`re a man or a woman, gay, straight, conservative, liberal, moderate or libertarian, chances are you lost your virginity in high school, between the ages of 15 and 18.
But did you use protection when you did it for the first time? Maybe, maybe not. About 50% of you said yes, and about 50% of you said you didn`t use any sort of pill, condom, shot, foam, cervical cap or some sort of gadget we haven`t yet heard of when you lost your virginity. That said, this seems to be a generational thing. The younger you are now, the more likely you used protection when you lost your virginity. Those between 18 and 20 and twenty-somethings were far more likely to use protection during their first time, while those who are now in their forties or over 50 didn`t use a thing.
Barnard said that these results indicate that safe-sex messages are having an impact on young people, but that she`d like to see even more of them use protection, even for their first sexual encounter. "This gets to the discussion of what parents are teaching and what schools are teaching," Barnard said. "Some schools aren`t talking about it at all, because they`re veering toward an abstinence-only curriculum. They`re telling kids nothing about safer sex. Friends aren`t always reliable sources of information. And this is why sexually transmitted infections are raging through young people."
Barnard suggested that, in addition to talking to their kids about the negative consequences of unprotected sex, parents make contraception available to their kids, so if they need it they can have it, no questions asked.
Straying: Maybe it`s our long winters, or perhaps it`s just that we`re so damned good looking, but more than half of Shepherd readers have cheated on a partner. And it sounds like you`re good at it, too, since a whopping 83% said you got away with it. But 67% say that they`ve been cheated on, so, cheaters, perhaps you just thought that you got away with it and your partner knew exactly what was up.
Barnard thought these numbers were "sad" but realistic. "Some people cheat because they don`t know how to get out of a relationship any other way," Barnard explained. "Others do it because they don`t know how to manage their attractions and they get overwhelmed by them. Some people would say that we`re not meant to be monogamous. But I think some people cheat because the rest of their lives are boring and problematic and they need to spice it up."
You Know What You Like: Top sexual activities for men include (in order) hetero sex, using sex toys, anal sex, getting oral sex while driving, phone sex, spanking and oral sex. Women`s top sexual activities are hetero sex, oral sex, playing with sex toys, anal sex, phone sex, spanking and same-sex sex. ("Sounds like you`ve got an adventurous bunch," Barnard said.)
We took a closer look at the results and found some interesting political differences. Liberals were twice as likely to engage in oral sex, bondage and domination play than conservatives, while conservatives were twice as likely to have had a private dance with an exotic dancer and received oral sex while driving. Conservatives were also more likely to have had three-ways and group sex than liberals.
You Know Your Limits: Shepherd readers also have distinct lines you won`t cross. About 70% think pierced genitalia are a turnoff, 78% would never date members of the same family, most would never tell someone "I love you" and not mean it (although 42% of men have done it, "probably to get sex," Barnard surmised), most would never want to try virtual sex and a majority wouldn`t even think of being the cause of someone else`s breakup. That said, 42% of you have had sex with an ex and said it was awesome.
A Delicate Subject: About 10% of you say that you have a sexually transmitted disease (STD); Barnard said that`s a little below average for Milwaukee, but also noted that studies show that less than half of people who have STDs know it because so many infections don`t have obvious symptoms. The vast majority of you said the best time to talk about it is before having sex for the first time.
"It`s scary, but you darn well better talk about it," Barnard said. "I usually tell people to be straightforward and to say, ‘I just want you to know that there`s this thing we need to think about when we start thinking about being sexual with each other.` You`re probably not going to say this on the first date, unless you`ve decided you`re going to have sex. But you should put it right on the table and say you have X, Y or Z and know what kind of protection is necessary. Just say it. Don`t feel guilty about it. The worst thing is to be in denial about it."
Faking it: This probably isn`t a news flash, but about 80% of women have faked an orgasm at least once. But about 47% of guys say they`ve faked it, too. "That`s fascinating," Barnard said. "But it indicates that you`re just not doing a good job in relationships, communicating and being honest, if you are faking it."
Caught Red-Handed: About 40% of you said you were caught masturbating. Who caught you? Most likely it was your mom, your spouse, your boyfriend or girlfriend or your friend. Barnard said these responses were very revealing. "This shows that even people in relationships masturbate," Barnard said. "But is masturbation something that`s forbidden in your relationship? Or is it something that you and your partner feel is a pleasant way to spend some time? Did you get ‘caught` or did someone merely walk in on you?"
And while the majority (72%) of women say they haven`t touched themselves while at work, 60% of men say they have. "Men just can`t hide their arousal," Barnard said. "And if they`re turned on, they have to figure out what to do about it. This tells us that men feel it`s OK to control their arousal by relieving it. And that women can get aroused and don`t have to do anything about it, but some do choose to do something."
Far fewer people have had sex with others while at work. About one third of men and one quarter of women have had sex while on the clock. Or the desk.
Fantasyland: "Sex is really all about what`s going on in the mind," Barnard said, showing genuine surprise that most of you said that very little of your sexual activity involves fantasy (that even includes porn). A smidgen10%said that they pretty much always go to their happy place when they`re having sex. And for those of you who do like to spend time in Fantasyland, we`re sure that Art Kumbalek is there, Pall Mall in one hand and a bourbon in the other, waiting for you.
Keeping Hope Alive
Sure, sure, a lucky few of you said that you`ve tried everything you`ve ever wanted when we asked you what was next on your sexual to-do list. But then there`s everyone else. And from our results, it looks like we`d be doing a great public service by hooking up everyone who wants to try anal sex, because about a third of those who responded say that they`re dying to try it. But, alas, this is an anonymous survey, and you`ll just have to find each other yourselves.
(And a large minority of you wants to try group sex or three-way sex. Really, people, can`t you find each other?)
Some other new frontiers seem like they should be within your grasp. Long-term monogamy, sober sex, sex at work, mutual masturbation and doing it in a hot tub seem like modest goals. Make it happen in 2007.
Then there are the far more specific fantasies. Obviously, some of you put a lot of thought into what you`d like to try but haven`tyetsuch as "licking a bartender`s pussy while she serves drinks" or "intercourse while rock-climbing off the side of a cliff with your harness on, say 200-300 feet off the ground or maybe in the woods at a ski resort while skiing on a sunny but chilly day!" or "sex with a long-haired pale-skinned redhead with freckles" or "multiple female partners or my wife`s sister!!" or "sex in a truck cab" or "I`d like to clone myself and fuck the clone" or "sex with same-sex best friend."
And for those who are thinking about doing something they`ve always wanted to do but don`t have the courage to act on it yet, follow the lead of this respondent: "I`ve tried everything and I`ve enjoyed all of it!"
We Know What You`re Doing in There
Apparently Milwaukee`s second-favorite indoor sport is pleasuring oneself.
And without a doubt, Milwaukeeans` favorite nickname for masturbating is jacking off (along with jerking off), as well as the classic beating off, rubbing one out and whacking off, and, of course, the British variation "wanking." Rosie Palm and her five sisters also got a few mentions, as well as the code word that leaves nothing to the imagination: "fucking myself."
But some of the terms reveal volumes about the solo artist`s life. Animal lovers, we surmise, call it choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, whomping the beaver and releasing the hounds. Other euphemisms sound like helpful household tasksjimmying the locks, shining the banister, waxing the mushroom, walking the dog, ironing out the wrinkles or "taking matters into my own hands," a classic do-it-yourself nickname. A single redneck says "Git-R-Done." Then there are those people who probably reserve some "me time" on weekends, such as respondents who feel the need to play some Uno, have a "date with Viggo" (can`t say I blame you) and whip the bishop.
Stuck at work and need some relief? Your cover story can include having a staff meeting, double-clicking your mouse, procrastinating, handlin` bizness, and, for the home-based worker, "I`ll be upstairs on the computer." Of course, for those who are between jobs, "shaking hands with the unemployed" tells us all we need to know.
Want to get graphic? How about cock-wrangling, pud-pounding, pulling the purple-headed yogurt slinger, beating my meat, stirring batter, launching the hand shuttle, waxing the salami, finger banging, milking the man udder, hand-to-gland combat, splitting the radish, jerking the McGerkin, making drain babies and firing up the rocket.
And unless you think that only guys rub themselves the right way, a few mentions of "petting the kitty" and "Jilling off" indicate otherwise.
Inquiring Minds Wanna Know
We asked you what you want to know about other people`s sex lives. Perhaps that wasn`t the best question, since "nothing" and "everything" were the top two responses.
But the rest of you are most curious, and more specific. While we can`t answer all of your questions here, perhaps you can talk among yourselves about the following: What percentage of women enjoys anal? How many are swingers? How do you keep your libido from going into hibernation? Would they mind me as a third? How long most men last on their first toss in the sack with a new lover? Who has STDs? How many women feel like they have an itch that no man or machine can scratch? Are other people as naughty as me? Do older people continue to enjoy sex often? Did it change after having kids? Do you have role-play ideas? Are people really getting it all of the time? Can people detach their emotions from sex? What happens when a spouse isn`t interested in sex anymore? Is swinging popular in Milwaukee? Are you looking for someone?
For Adults Only
Looks like a lot of survey respondents can see their names in lightsor on the back of a porno DVD. When we asked you what your porn star name would be, should you look for a second career in adult entertainment, we expected the results of the traditional formulathe name of your childhood pet and the street you grew up on. And we got a few of those, we thinkJasmine Downer, Tasha Bartlett, Holly Highland, Rusty Cloverlook, Tuffy Clement, Baby Sixty-ninth and Jerry Pine, for example.
And then there are the far more explicit and descriptive noms de porn. I mean, you`ve got to know what you`re getting into when you encounter Suzi Slippin` Slide, Buck Nekid, Jack Hammer, Buster Hymen, Professor Pervert, Big Will Hardon, Le Tigre, Hot COCO, Eida Meoutta, Missy Muffmuncher, Ricky Thicke and Ram Rod.
Feeling playful? Locate Twinkle Ta-Tas, Bitsy, Little Man, Huevos Rancheros, Captain Winky, Mann Hunter, the Virgin Mary and Chesty Laroo. It sounds like they`ll be far more gentle with you than Hairy Manback, Dick Bacon, the Viking Stud and Pokin` Paul.
And a note to Little Joe, Rodney Rarely, One Inch Wonder and Jon Smallberries: Keep your day job. Or find a new agent.
Thanks for Sharing
In the spirit of democracy, we decided to ask you, our dear readers, for sex advice. And here`s what we learned:
• Never make love to your favorite band. If you break up with that person it will never be the same.
• Ladies, get a shower massage.
• Always satisfy your partner first.
• Women want sex just as much as men.
• Never date someone you know has cheated on previous lovers.
• The moment you fake it is the moment your partner stops trying.
• Proper fellatio requires a hand and a mouth. Without both it`s just not what it could be.
• Mirrors can be a lot of fun.
• Don`t sleep with your boss` daughter.
• I`m in an "open" relationship. And while it`s not for everyone (especially the jealous types) it has been completely rewarding and extremely worth it. People need to lighten up and not be so stuck in the `50s. Alternative lifestyles can work fine as long as everyone is honest, open and communicatesand is SAFE.
• Finger in the ass feels good for guys and girls.
• A Brazilian wax makes all the difference.
• Suck on her clitoris with a straw.
• Swinging is fine for a while but becomes old quickly.
• Getting poked in the butt hurts at first.
• You won`t get it if you don`t ask.
• No cross-contamination of orifices.
• You have to be comfortable with yourself to truly enjoy sex.
• Be willing to try something at least once.
• Don`t be a jerk!
• Delay, delay, delay.
• Don`t bite!
• Do the alphabet on women during oral sex.
• Use spit! It`s sexier than lube.
• Try porn. It gets you going.
• Lightly pulling down the ball sack delays ejaculation (really!).
• Vibrators are for boys and girls.
• Guys LOVE having their balls licked. It`s not that disgusting and they will think you are the Goddess of Oral forever.
• Viagra is expensive but worth it.
• Trannies do it better.
• Don`t get married until you`re 33.
• Have a lesbian teach you how to eat pussy!
• As an older, married woman (56), I just want to say that most people don`t enjoy their sexuality. I`m not recommending screwing every guy, not in today`s society with viruses you can`t get rid of. I have no qualms about pleasuring other women, but mostly men, with my hands. Since this is not oral, or intercourse, it is a safe, clean, non-committed activity. I enjoy, both getting and giving, so-called "handies" or handjobs. Some were a one-time situation, others were heated experiences and repeated! Maybe this activity is more widely done than I`m aware of?
• Life with a lot of sex is better than life without it!
