Happy Independence Day, my little Ruthie Rooters. Some say July 4 marks the middle of summer, but I say, “Screw you!” There’s plenty of fun to be had in Cream City. In fact, we’re just getting into the summer groove! Ruthie’s got her groove back, and dammit, she’s working the summer streets. (OK, I admit it. I have no clue what that means.)
One thing is for sure—summer in this Milwaukee doesn’t stink; or does it? As you’re about to read, some folks are finding things a bit too fragrant in this fair city. So, let’s check out the following message from a reader and then hit up some of the crazy cool events on my social calendar this week. Until then, have a fun, festive, frivolous, fabulous (and safe) holiday, everyone!
Dear Ruthie,
I’m just going to come out and say it: My boyfriend’s junk stinks. Like, big time. I haven’t been with a lot of guys, but I know this is not normal. I can actually smell his junk across the room when he takes off his underwear. How am I supposed to get intimate with that? It reeks....bad. There is no way I’m doing some of the stuff he wants me to with that smelly thing.
I’ve asked him about it, and he swears he doesn’t smell it. He tells me he even shampoos down there, but it only lasts a day or two. HELP! I can’t stand his stinky weenie anymore!
Holding My Nose,
Hannah
Dear Hannah Banana,
Sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s pungent peter, but I’m not sure what you want me to do about it. You want me to come over and clean it? Fine! I’ll grab my rubber gloves, vegetable brush and Oxy Clean and be right over. But before we go at your guy’s nuggets with steel wool or give him a colonic with a fire extinguisher, maybe get his putrid peen over to a dermatologist first.
I’m no doctor, but I’ll bet that a medical professional could help discover a skin disease, reaction to prescription drugs, fungus, hormone imbalance or any number of other reasons your boyfriend might be ripe south of the border.
So, the next time your man wants you to light his firecracker, ask him to go a doctor instead. If that doctor is a hottie, simply hook up with him instead. Problem solved!
Ruthie’s Social Calendar
July 5—Ariana Grande at Fiserv Forum (111 Vel R. Phillips Ave.): Independence Day doesn’t get much hotter, glittery-er, crazier or more memorable than when Ariana Grande struts her powerhouse voice into Milwaukee with the “Sweetener World Tour.” Dance your ass off this July 4 when you pick up your tickets (starting at $100) at fiservforum.com.
July 5-6—LaCage Nightclub Re-Opening Party at LaCage Nightclub (801 S. Second St.): It’s out with new and in with old when LVL turns back into LaCage with a two-day party! Doors open at 4 p.m. both days with DJs, dancing, sexy construction workers, drink specials and more. While the event is only open to those older than 21, there’s no cover charge either day.
July 6—Dining with the Divas at Hamburger Mary’s (730 S. Fifth St.): The city’s hottest, funniest, most popular drag queens hit the stage for two separate shows. Come eat, drink and be “Mary” during the all-ages 7:30 p.m. show (perfect for the college crowd) as well as separate 21-and-older show at 9:30 p.m. Come for one or stay for both, but call 414-488-2555 for reservations to guarantee you’ve got a spot.
July 8—Monday Movie Matinee at This Is It! (418 E. Wells St.): Settle in with some free popcorn, happy-hour drink specials and your favorite films on the bar’s mega screen. What movie will be shown? Come down to the Cathedral Square hot spot at 5:30 p.m. and find out!
July 9—LGBTQ Yoga at Milwaukee LGBT Community Center (1110 N. Market St.): Life coach Roy Grant gets your body moving and spirit glowing with this 6-7 p.m. class. Ideal for beginners through intermediate yoga practitioners, the class is free but donations are greatly appreciated. See mkelgbt.org for more information.
Ask Ruthie a question or share your events with her at dearruthie@shepex.com. Follow her on Instagram @ruthiekeester and Facebook at Dear Ruthie.
