As I wrote in my previous column,asexuality is largely unknown and/or misunderstood, so I'm glad that you haveasked more questions about the topic. I want to reiterate that there is nothingwrong with people who embrace an asexual identity, and there's nothing wrongwith their partners either. Conflicts may arise when one person in a relationshipwants to be sexual and the other person doesn't, but that conflict doesn't meanthat either person is unhealthy, selfish or badit just means that they havediffering needs and desires.
Asexual people do have romantic, lovingrelationships. Sex is only one part of a relationship, and mutual affection,commitment, support and caring are perfectly possible without it. Some asexualpeople seek out other asexuals as romantic partners; dating and personals sitesfor asexuals exist to help facilitate this. Other asexual people haverelationships with people who are sexual and, as with anything else in arelationship, work out a compromise that acknowledges both people's needs. Someasexual people might choose to have sex with their partners even though theythemselves don't feel any sexual desire; for others, this might be toodifficult. Some couples with mixed sexual/asexual orientations might choose tobe non-monogamous so that the sexual partner can get his or her sexual needsmet by someone outside the relationship. The AsexualityVisibility and Education Networkhas an FAQ about asexuality and relationships, links to asexual dating sites,and forums for asexual people and their partners who are negotiating the termsof their relationships.
You mention several possible"causes" for a person's lack of sexual desire, such as pastrelationships or sexual assault. Asexuality is not a clinical term, and thedefinition is fluidit can mean many things to many people. Lots of asexual people,however, feel that this is just how they are and that there isn't any specificcause. This is similar to other sexual orientations. Many (but not all)heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual or queer people feel that theirattractions to others are inherent and not caused by any particular event orpast relationship. So, your own feelings may not necessarily have anything todo with past boyfriends.
I don't think that asexuality issomething that needs to be cured, changed or fixed. However, if you are strugglingwith whether or not you want to adopt an asexual identity and the conflict thatthis might cause in your relationship, you might want to seek counseling,either alone or with your boyfriend. This might help both of you to get overyour feelings that there's something wrong with you or him and figure out whereyou want your relationship to go.
Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions receivedwill be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers toquestions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may bereproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited forclarity and content.
Laura Anne Stuart has a master’s degree in public health and has workedas a sexuality educator for more than a decade. She owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’s East Side.
