I recently purchased my girlfriend a very life-like dildo. She's only used it once that I know of, but all indications are that she really likes it. My question is: Should the toy be used to acclimate her to anal sex? And if so, should I just let her do it, or should I offer my services? I just want her to be as comfortable as possible. Even more so, I want to be comfortable knowing she is comfortable!
I’m going to start out with a short public service announcement for men who are buying sex toys for their female partners. When women buy sex toys for themselves, they generally do not purchase “very lifelike dildos.” Some do, and that’s cool. But most women buy vibrators that look nothing at all like penises. Men, this might be hard to hear, but your cock is not the sole focus of female sexual pleasure. I always suggest shopping together, as a couple, to pick out toys, which can often lead to great discussions about what each of you like or don’t like sexually. End of PSA.
So, you bought your girlfriend a dildo, which she seems to like, and now you want to know if this dildo can be used for anal play. My first question for you is whether your girlfriend is at all interested in anal sex. It's not everyone's cup of tea. I can tell from your question that you are interested in anal sex, but I can’t tell whether you’ve talked to your partner about this and whether she has expressed interest too. The first step in “getting acclimated” to anal sex is both partners being excited and enthusiastic about trying it.
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My second question concerns the size and material of the dildo. Most “very lifelike” dildos are made of shitty, toxic materials that can cause irritation in the anus or vagina and may also harbor bacteria—not ideal for anal play. One notable exception to this is Vixen Creations’ VixSkin dual-density dildos; they are realistic-feeling and looking, but they’re made of 100% silicone. If your dildo is made of “cyberskin” or another unstable, porous material, I’d recommend putting a condom over it to prevent irritation and the possible transfer of bacteria from the anus to the vagina, if the toy will be used both vaginally and anally.
If the dildo is large, I'd recommend starting with something smaller for beginning anal play—a slim buttplug or a finger, for instance. I'd ask your girlfriend if she would like to experiment alone or with you. If she's interested in anal play but feels uncertain or shy, experimenting by herself can help overcome those fears. If the two of you hope to eventually have anal sex together, then playing with toys as a couple can be a great way to explore.
In short, have a conversation with your girlfriend: Does she, indeed, like this dildo? Are there other toys she might like to try? Is she interested in anal sex? If so, would she like to start experimenting with anal play by herself or with you? You can’t overemphasize the importance of communication with a sexual partner!
Laura Anne Stuart owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’s East Side. She has a master’s degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than fifteen years. Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXPress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.
