Believing 24/7 Wall St.’s Drinking Study in 12 Steps

In a list of the drunkest cities in America, Wisconsin had seven in the top ten and five more in the top 20. I mean, we really kicked some serious ass… Maybe a little too much ass. Some might say excessive use of alcohol is a bad thing.  

The organization that posted the report was a familiar foe of mine: 24/7 Wall St. Months ago, their “Spit Venom at Nick Olig” brand of journalism accused Fond du Lac of laziness. Now my city has made their binge-drinking list at number seven.

In the wake of a second indictment, I was angry. My ego had been wounded again. I wanted to write another smart-alecky rebuttal, but I got sidetracked by double-bubble bargains at various bars for about eight days in a row. After which, I wondered if perhaps 24/7 Wall St. was spitting venom directly into my soul not out of spite but as a wakeup call. Maybe their intentions weren’t all that wicked.

Risking taunts of “sissy” from the locals, I abstained from alcohol for a week. Plus, I got some exercise. It was nice. Maybe not “Hammered on Pabst playing Zelda” nice, but a healthier lifestyle did have its charms.

That’s when I resolved to get cleaned up, and more importantly, to give my life to a Higher Power—a perfect, omniscient, almighty entity.

And by that, of course, I’m referring to 24/7 Wall St.

This website is so omnipotent They can create extra hours in the day and more days in the week in order to spend time on studies outside of the realm of global finance. Here’s a conundrum: Could 24/7 Wall St. make so many hours and days They Themselves could not fill up with first-rate reporting? I honestly don’t know, but 24/7 Wall St. does. They know everything.

In pursuit of redemption, my journey toward becoming a devout 24/7 Wall Streeter required a dozen steps:

1.) I realized that I was powerless to dismiss them as finger-wagging, smug elitists who sometimes made mistakes.

2.) I reasoned that I could only regain a sane outlook on life if I believed everything 24/7 Wall St. told me.

3.) With that unwavering belief, I submitted my will to the care of 24/7 Wall St. with the understanding of that old adage, “If I can’t be a beater, better be a joiner.”

4.) I took a personal inventory and assessed my follies, the most glaring of which was accusing a certain media outlet of shoddy research. They weren’t wrong for misquoting the population of Fond du Lac at 101,577 even though the signs say it’s 43,021. Turns out the signs, Wikipedia, the Census Bureau, and everyone who lives in Fond du Lac (including me) were all wrong.

5.) Admitting those follies not only to myself but also to 24/7 Wall St. and another person came next. I was super busy on this particular afternoon, but I did post a very contrite “My bad” on Their Facebook page. And I defy anyone who claims that a worker at a Jimmy John’s drive-thru doesn’t count as a person.

6.) Now I was ready for 24/7 Wall St. to correct my defects. If I played my cards right, I had high hopes that someday They’d use Their infinite power to give me abs like Ryan Gosling’s in Crazy, Stupid, Love.

7.) I humbly asked my 24/Sevenly Father to remove my shortcomings. Sounds pretty daunting to get rid of all of them, but remember, They can create all the time it takes to do this!  

8.) Writing a list of the people I had done wrong by slandering Them was key. That’s why I posted this link on social media for all my friends to see. (It had nothing to do with the desperate writer angle. But I will revive that angle next week.)

9.) Making amends to those people seemed like a wise follow-up. When this idea came to me, however, it was really late at night and Jimmy John’s was closed. I didn’t have a marker on me at the drive-thru window to write “Praise 24/7 Wall St.!” So hopefully they were cool with the graffiti.

10.) Continuing to take a personal inventory and admitting my mistakes was the next step. I know this is basically a reiteration of a previous step, but let’s face it, the Ten Commandments had a few reruns too. Besides, even numbers are just better. They make division less messy. Indeed, as 24/7 has shown us, even comes before odd.  

11.) Improving my conscious contact with 24/7 Wall St. was the penultimate goal. I devoted every waking moment to my 24/Sevenly Savior by browsing them on my iPhone. Even though I hit-and-ran a corn stand as I scrolled through articles, consumed more data than I could afford in a quest to get what “buy low, sell high” means, and got kicked out of church for cheering an absolute showstopper called “Ford F-Series Claims 40% of May Pickup Sales,” I feel it was all worthwhile to gain a better understanding of the Stork Market.

12.) Finally, I had to share my message of awakening with friends. Since for some reason there was a cop blocking the graffitied window at the Jimmy John’s drive-thru, I decided to call my friend Jake in South Milwaukee. I told him about my enlightenment. He sighed and said, “If we’re to believe everything the media shows us, doesn’t that also mean that stockbrokers have been known to take Quaaludes and toss little people wrapped in Velcro at targets like they did in The Wolf of Wall Street?” “But Jake,” I murmured, “That was just a movie.” “A movie based on a true story, bitch,” he replied. “If you’re looking for something to worship, you can do better than a gang of decadent dwarf-throwers.”

What he said made so much sense I became reborn as a skeptic of 24/7 Wall St. I wrote this article fueled by a tall boy of Pabst.

Thanks for reliving my transformative journey to hit the reset button. And remember, Wisconsin: drinking is best when we don’t overdo it. Lord knows we don’t want to be too hungover to vote when the day comes to legalize weed.