While couple fights occur everywhere and at any moment,there are very different types. I feelit is my duty now to classify the couple quarrels so you can better prepareyourself the next time you are caught in the middle of one. Consider this asurvival guide.
1. The Parking Lot Feud (Run While You Still Can)
The parking lot feud is usually a one-sided fight. Carrie ison her cell phone and yelling at Steve because he doesn’t know the differencebetween fabric softener and dryer sheets. She makes it a point to yell asloudly as she can so everybody in a three-mile radius knows she is pissed andher boyfriend is being a dick. The fight isn’t really about laundry materials.It stems back to the time Steve got really drunk at Carrie’s work Christmasparty and talked to another boyfriend who was dragged along. Since Steve didn’tacknowledge her presence for 15 minutes, Carrie decided she would bring out thebeast within every time he does something stupid. It’s July now, and Steve doessomething stupid approximately 5-6 times a day. Unfortunately, Carrie is alsolocated in a parking lot with cell phone in hand about 5-6 times day. If youhear stomping and “I just told you. Fabric softener is in a bottle, idiot,” runlike hell.
2. The Silent Group Dinner (There is No Escape)
In this situation, the whole gang gets together to go outfor dinner. It’s Joe’s birthday or something. Nobody wants to invite Chad andJenny, but everyone knows they have to. Maybe it won’t be like last time whenthey screamed at each other for 12 minutes about who was supposed to feed thedog and then sat in silence for another hour. But it’s totally like last time.However, this time the dog is dead and Chad forgot to pick up a birthday cardfor Joe, even though Jenny remind him via call, text and email. Just as theappetizer comes to the table, the verbal dispute begins. By the time the nextround of drinks arrives, the silence has set and everyone is realuncomfortable. Eyes are averted, random coughs echo and small comments aboutthe food can be heard all while Jenny faintly cries and Chad angrily eats hisbacon cheeseburger. The meal and Joe’s birthday are officially ruined, and thecouple leaves silently after playing it cheap and not throwing down for thetip. Bitches!
3. The 3 a.m. Scream Out (Nobody Will Sleep!)
It’s very late, and Brian and Kimberly are very drunk. Theyjust got back from the 3rd annual Sigma Tau Epsilon bar crawl.Without even a chance to shut the door to the apartment they share in abuilding with very thin walls, the screaming match begins.
“I don’t give a shit what you do,” Kimberly yells.
“Then why are you always on my ass about where I am and whoI’m with and what I’m doing?” Brian yells back.
“Because I want to know if there are other girls there.”
“So what if I’m with other girls?”
Not a smart thing to say Brian. You just opened a can ofdeath worms, and Kimberly is about to eat your soul. She grabs the nearestobject that is heavy enough to injure Brian, but definitely not kill him. It’sa Taylor Swift CD. Brian got it for Kimberly’s birthday, and she loves it.After it hits him in the eye, she realizes that she loves him more thananything in the world. She switches out the screaming for crying, but keeps itas the same volume. Brian is also no longer yelling, but his big, douchey voicecan be heard as loud as ever. It’s now 4 a.m., and the neighbor in apartment Bhas just dialed the last 1 in 911.
