And so yes, it’s timefor you’s to elect Art Kumbalek as your next governor. I promise to get thingsfixed. I promise to clean up all schmutz, and if there’s a problem, we’ll getthat corrected, you betcha.
Now the most important thing I need todo to get the 2010 Art Kumbalek Democracy Express for Governor rolling is tofind out just exactly when this goddamn election is scheduled to take place,and so I’ll need to forgo whipping out an essay for you’s this week and insteadmeet up with my campaign brain trust over by theUptowner tavern/charm school situated at the corner of Hysteric Center Street& Humboldt, so’s we can figure which end is up. Come along if you’d like,but you buy the first round. Let’s get going.
Little Jimmy Iodine: Yougot to be jerking my beefaroni.
Julius:I shit you not. I heard we bombed the moon the other day, and I want to know ifthere’s been any word yet whether or not we nailed Osama. So far I’ve heardnothing.
Ernie: BinLaden’s on the focking moon now?
Ray: No shit, Sherlock. You seen thepictures of Afghanistanmakesthe moon look like Palm focking Springs, ain’a? Of course he’d want to hide histurbaned ass in a nicer place. Stands to reason.
Emil: Soit’s true: the NFL isn’t going to let Rush Limbaugh own one of the teams?
Herbie: Seemsso. Majority of the players are black you know, and the players union gotconcerned when they heard that Limburgher thought a good off-season workoutwould be chopping cotton.
Ernie: Andwhat’s with the cheerleaders they have now these days? Cripes, I was on thecomputer Internet to see them up close, and I swear they all look more than abit manly. When Obama clears up that “don’t ask, don’t tell” with the military,he could move on to the NFL, I kid you not.
Little Jimmy Iodine: Hey,Artie! Over here. Put a load on your keister.
Art:Hey gents. What do you hear, what do you know.
Emil: I hear they want to combine Powerballwith the Mega Millions for the lotteries.
Julius:You bet, that’s the centerpiece to theRepublicans’ new health-care plan. They figure that with those lotteriescombined, the jackpot ought to be big enough for the lucky winner to afford ayear’s worth of health insurance.
Herbie: That’s sure as hell a step in theright direction for the Republicans. It’s better than what the congress guy,“Albert Einstein” Grayson, from focking Floridano less, said the Republican plan for American health care was: “Don’t get sickbut if you do, you’re best off to die the day before yesterday.” Now it seemsthe Republicans have decided to go bipartisan with Obama on the “hope” thing.The average Joe Blow with no insurance can hope to win a big lottery jackpotifhe so happens to choose to playand then pony up to the HMO.
Little Jimmy: HMO. I forget what the “M” stands for.
Julius: Mafia. These health companies arenothing but a big protection racket. Now, they don’t necessarily come by andbust your kneecaps if you don’t pay, but if you should happen to bust yourkneecaps and you haven’t paid, you got yourself a situation, mister.
Emil: I think it sucks, ’cause think howmuch higher the odds of winning a lottery are going to be when you got moreplayers involved.
Herbie: Emil’s right. To win just thePowerball, the odds are about the same as SharonStone waltzing into this joint and administering a big ol’ juicy hummer whilstyou sit nonchalantly on your bar stool. But if they combine those games ofskill, the odds jump up to Sharon Stone and Britney what’s-her-namewalking in here to tag-team your schwanz. Not likely, my friend.
Art: But I hear your odds for a nice hummerincrease if it’s a Sheboygantavern you’re in. Anyways, kind of reminds me of a little story:
So this surgeon goes toexamine his blond patient after an operation. Doctor says, “You'll befine." She says, “Thank you doctor. But how long will it be before I’mable to have a normal sex life again?" The doctor shakes his head,hesitates to answer; so the gal says, “Doctor, what’s the matter? I will be allright, won't I?” Doctor says, "Yes, of course you'll be fine. It's justthat no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsilsout." Ba-ding!
Little Jimmy: You got a gift for speaking initalics, Artie. You really ought to think about running for office some time.
(Hey, it’s getting late and I know yougot to go, but thanks for letting us bend your ear, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek andI told you so.)
