Hunting enthusiasts don’t describe it quite sobluntly, of course. They make it sound like joining the Sierra Club.
“Introducing kids to hunting in a relaxed atmospherewith close supervision,” said DNR Secretary Matt Frank, “is key to nurturing alove of the natural world, a conservation ethic and what may turn out to be alifelong love and passion for the outdoors.”
So it’s all about love of the natural world. Andit’s never too early to teach children you always kill the ones you love.
The real reason the Legislature lowered the deerhunting age to 10 this year is that hunting is becoming a geriatric sport. TheWisconsin Conservation Congress says for every 100 hunters who stophuntingoften when they stop breathing entirelyonly half as many young huntersreplace them.
By the time children reach the advanced age of12the previous minimum age for shooting deadly weapons in a woods crowded withother human beingsa lot of them are getting more interested in live girls thandead animals.
The idea is to indoctrinate innocent young childrento embrace the deer hunting culture before they’re old enough to be openlycontemptuous of everything adults do. Unfortunately, the age of innocence seemsto be dropping faster than we can put loaded guns into children’s hands thesedays.
Family Bonding
“Billy, this is the most important weekend of yourlife. I am going to take you up north and teach you how to become a man.”
“Awesome! But Mom is going to be really mad if shefinds out. She thinks you’re taking me deer hunting with Uncle Fred.”
“We are going deer hunting, Billy. This is a familytradition handed down to us by our father and handed down to our father by hisfather before him.”
“If it was all handed down, how come granddad andgreat-granddad are coming too? You said we had to be ready to drag them out ofthe woods if they keeled over.”
“That just shows their lifelong passion for theoutdoors, Billy. That’s why I want to nurture a love of the natural world inyou this weekend.”
“Love, yuk! I thought we were going to kill stuff.”
“Don’t worry, Billy. If we’re fortunate enough totrack a deer, I will be right next to you when you have the opportunity to bagyour first deer. It will be the proudest moment of my life.”
“It’s no big deal, Dad. I’ve killed plenty of stuffbefore. I kill prostitutes and hobos all the time in ‘Grand Theft Auto.’ Ileave bloody stacks of them all over the place.”
“This is real life, Billy. Deer hunting has nothingto do with running down prostitutes.”
“That’s not what Uncle Fred said. Don’t you rememberwhen he was laughing about you and him going into Crandon in the old days?”
“Your Uncle Fred had a little too much to drink. Hegot confused. We used to stop in Crandon for supplies.”
“That’s what Uncle Fred said. He said you got thesupplies of your life when some girl told you how old she was. What do you usejail bait for when you’re hunting, Dad? Does it attract deer?”
“Never mind, Billy. Your uncle and I will take careof that part. You just remember how to stay calm and collected at the mostexciting moment of the hunt.”
“I know. I know. If I fill a full boat, I amsupposed to remain absolutely stone-faced. I don’t want to raise too much rightaway and drive everybody out of the pot.”
“I’m not talking about the poker game, Billy. I’mtalking about the game of life. Suddenly, you’re face-to-face with amagnificent 12-point buck. He’s standing absolutely still, trying to catch yourscent. No one else is around. What do you do, Billy?”
“I say, ‘Shoo!’”
“You say what?!! Hunters wait all their lives for anopportunity like that, Billy! Remember how you’re supposed to squeeze thetrigger slowly so your weapon doesn’t jerk.”
“But that’s against the law, Dad! The law allowinglittle kids like me to go hunting with adult mentors says you have to be withinarm’s reach of me at all times. And we can have only one firearm between us. SoI’m not allowed to shoot a deer if there’s nobody else around.”
“That’s what they call a technicality, Billy. If youhave an opportunity to shoot a deer, take it. We’ll get our stories straightlater.”
“No way am I serving any prison rap for you, Dad.”
“That does it! I’m lobbying to change the law totake your 5-year-old brother hunting!”
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