And football? For about95% of the planet's population the Super Bowl means nothing. For them,football's world champs are crowned every fourth year in the World Cup. Thespectacle begins again Friday in South Africa,with 32 national soccer teams, including the United States, chasing the title.
The Observers, or atleast one of them, can hardly disagree with a few billion people.
Frank:"Huge" is too puny a word for this, pal!
Artie:If you say so. Any distraction from the Brewers is good, although they warmedmy heart by finally dumping Jeff Suppan and his potof gold in the trash.
Frank:Are you one of those guys who look down on soccer as a sport?
Artie:They don't use their hands. It's like Republicanstrying to govern without using their brains. You gottause everything.
Frank:An old friend at the Journal Sentinelwas adamant that soccer wasn't a "real sport." But if you watch thegames you know there's not just a lot of running, but a lot of hard contact.Some of it's dirty---pulling jerseys, elbows to the chops.
Artie: But also that candy-ass"diving" by guys trying to draw fouls. I think those Europeans mustgo to acting school.
Frank: Still, you've got to bea hell of an athlete, and plenty tough, to play soccer.
Artie: Absolutely. But to meit looks like a grade-school recess. All that running around in everydirection.
Frank: Sometimes I see hockeythat way.
Artie: Amen to that! Watchingthe NHL Finals, half the time I was sure the referee had the puck in hispocket! I couldn't see it and I don't think the players could either.
Frank: Really, there's amethod to all the back-and-forth in soccer, even if we don't perceive it.
Artie: How about perceiving agoal once in a while? Has there ever been a final score that didn't include atleast one "nil"?
Frank: That's the key problemfor Americans. I grew to like soccer by watching nieces and nephews play, andnow I really dig the English Premier League games, but more scoring would help.
Artie: The best thing aboutsoccer is that there are no TV timeouts.
Frank: Anyone who has TiVo ora DVR can record the World Cup games and fast-forward them until the score linechanges. Then you can check out all the goals.
Artie: So a match might takeonly four or five minutes.
Frank: But you'll miss thenuances. Not that I'm an expert, but in 1990 I was Milwaukee's man on the scene at the WorldCup.
Artie: How's that?
Frank: The United Statesqualified that year for the first time since 1950. The coach, Bob Gansler, andone of the starters, Jimmy Banks, were Milwaukeeguys, so the Journal decided to senda reporter.
Artie: So you got a trip towhere?
Frank: Italy, with two U.S.games in Florence and one in Rome. The Americans had almost nointernational experience and went 0-3. But they played mighty Italy at the Olympic stadium in Rome—what a great scene, the nonstop chantingand flag-waving...
Artie: Did they feed someChristians to the lions?
Frank: The crowd expected aslaughter, but the Americans held the score to 1-0.
Artie: Gee, a 1-0 final. I'mshocked! But for a trip to ItalyI'd sit through three soccer games.
Frank: In those days ourcurrent Shepherd colleague, JoelMcNally, and a few other Journalreporters threw an annual party to lampoon the biggest "waste" of thepaper's money. My trip got the nod for ’90, which stunned me. I got to see theSistine Chapel—how was that a waste?
Artie: Geez, in 1990 thePackers were wallowing in the Lindy Infante era. Sending anyone to cover thatteam was a worse waste of dough! By the way, I assume no one has endorsed myplan to spice up soccer—a hidden crocodile pit somewheres on the field, about10 feet deep so anyone who falls in stays there until the game ends.
Frank: Unless his team triesto rescue him, which would give the opponents a three- or four-man advantage.
Artie: Voila, more scoring! Atleast for the crocs.
Frank: As for this year'sWorld Cup, I have no prediction of who'll win. The usual suspects are there—Brazil, Spain,Portugal, Holland,Italy, Germany, Argentina,England, France. But theUnited Statesis due for a good tournament. We reached the second round in ’94, went 0-3again in ’98, reached the quarterfinals in 2002 and flamed out in ’06.
Artie: So it's the semifinalsor bust!
Frank: Maybe not thatambitious, but our guys have solid international credentials. Their first game,Saturday against England,is huger than huge! A win or tie would give us a great chance to be one of twoteams advancing out of Group C, which also includes Algeriaand Slovenia.And remember, last year in the Confederations Cup, we beat Spain and led Brazil at halftime in the final.
Artie: What's this"we"? You're sounding very jingoistic. I can't get past all thisnationalism. I'm a One-Worlder, pal.
Frank: So you have no rootinginterest?
Artie: Let's see thosegroups... Hey, Cameroonis in. That's the land that gave us Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, the Bucks' fineyoung forward, ain'a?
Frank: Yup. Cameroon's"Indomitable Lions" are in their fifth World Cup out of the last six.
Artie: Cool nickname! Thatdoes it, I'm for Cameroon.But my dream final is North Koreavs. South Korea.From World Cup to World War III, and we could blame it on soccer.
The Perfect Storm
Frank: Let's weigh in onbaseball's matchless mess—the blown call by umpire Jim Joyce that cost Detroit's ArmandoGalarraga a perfect game. Should Commissioner Bud Selig overrule Joyce?
Artie: That would open a canof worms. Because of the history of the “human element” in the game so far, youlet the outcome stand as an absolutely unique moment.
Frank: Thirty years from nowif Galarraga's on the list of perfect-game pitchers, he's one of many. Thisway, he's his own list.
Artie: Like Harvey Haddix,who's not a "perfecto" even though he retired 36 straight Braves in1959 at County Stadium, before losing in the 13th.
Frank: Joyce repented and gothis absolution from Galarraga, so all's well. But there's a second issue:Shouldn't there be some way of using replays to review such a call?
Artie: Absolutely. And let'snot hear, "Oh, we don't want to lengthen the games." Spare me! Ifthey wanted to speed up the game, they could.
Frank: Major League Baseballalready uses replay on certain home-run questions. Besides, how long does itreally take?
Artie: We saw Joyce's flubwithin a minute.
Frank: A replay system shouldnever involve balls and strikes, but other calls that could decide games, whynot? Some people say managers should be able to make challenges. I think itshould be up to the official scorer or another MLB official in the press box.They'd see the TV feed and could buzz the umpires' crew chief and say,"You better look at this again."
Artie: That's nicer than,"You blew it, Bozo."
Frank: Bud always looks forconsensus. Last December he named a 14-man committee—managers, GMs, owners andeven George Will—“to review and examine all on-field related issues." Isay the panel will suggest an expanded replay system and Bud will adopt it.
Artie: If this committee'space is like a ballgame's, that report should be ready around 2015.
Frank: I think it'll happenfor this year's playoffs. Last year there were several postseason calls thatwere glaringly wrong.
Artie: If that happens againand MLB has done nothing, there's real trouble. Jim Joyce gave ’em a wakeupcall!
