Subpoenas Optional
In January, the Justice Department's Office ofthe Inspector General (OIG) released a long-anticipated report detailing waysthe FBI cut corners in obtaining individual Americans' phone records during theyears of the Bush administration. Federal law permits the acquisition of thosephone records only with a "terrorism" subpoena ("NationalSecurity Letter") unless the FBI documents emergency ("exigent")circumstances to a telecom company. Emergency circumstances are supposed to befollowed by a subpoena and the proper legal process, but often those steps werenever taken. The OIG found that, from 2002-2006, the FBI had representatives ofthree telecom companies set up inside FBI offices so that agents could requestphone records orally, without documentation, and in some cases merely bywriting the requested phone numbers on Post-it Notes and sticking them on thetelecom employees' workstations. Some of the acquired records were uploaded tothe FBI's database.
Least Competent Criminals
Poorly Conceived: (1) Travis Copeland, 19,bolting from a courtroom in Waukegan, Ill., in January, ran down ahallway, lowered his shoulder and thrust himself at a window, intending tocrash through it to freedom. Courthouse windows are bulletproof, however, andCopeland merely bounced off, staggered away and fell to the floor in pain. (2)Chamil Guadarrama, 30, was arrested in Springfield, Mass., in February after astore security guard spotted him with 75 bottles of lotion stuffed down thelegs of his pants (which were tied off at the ankles), making him look like anearly immobile Michelin Man. Said a cop: "(We) could not fit Mr.Guadarrama into the cruiser because…he could not bend over."
Unclear on the Concept
In January, a 27-year-old man was arrested fortrespassing in Seattle'sLusty Lady peep-show arcade. The layout of the building consists of a dancestage for strippers surrounded by private viewing stalls for customers.According to police, the man climbed from his stall, through a ceiling panel,and into the overhead crawl space, which only allowed him to peep at thestrippers from a different angle.
Can't Possibly Be True
A Torontorestaurant, Mildred's Temple Kitchen, announced thatthis year's Valentine's Day promotion would involve more than just a romanticdinnerit would also include an invitation for couples to have sex in therestrooms. Toronto Public Health officials appeared unconcerned as long as therestrooms were clean and no sexual acts took place in food-preparation areas."Bodily fluids" were not a concern, according to one health official,because that's what restrooms are for.
Inexplicable
- Police are still baffled by how Gregory Denny, 37, was able to"deport" Cherrie Belle Hibbard from her home in Hemet,Calif., to her native Philippines inJanuary. According to Hemet police, Denny, using a gun and fake U.S. Marshals'badge and shirt, knocked on Hibbard's door and convinced her that he was thereto escort her to the airport and out of the countryand that Hibbard's husbandhad to buy her the ticket. Denny then accompanied Hibbard through airportsecurity and put her onto a flight. Upon later questioning by police, Dennyapparently remained in character, continuing to insist that he worked for the U.S. Marshals.Denny was arrested on suspicion of kidnapping, impersonating a peace officerand several other charges.
- Buffalo, N.Y., television meteorologist Mike Cejkawas arrested in December after a brief police chase and charged withtrespassing after he was spotted at 4 a.m. tinkering with the covering of amotorcycle in a stranger's yard. Cejka told police he was on his way to workand had merely stopped to admire a motorcycle he had remembered seeing in thatyard over the summer. He was wearing a dress shirt and shoes and leather chapstopped by a pair of sweat shorts.
The Continuing Crisis
University of Montreal School of SocialWork professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse, intending to research the effects ofpornography on men's relationships with women and needing a control group forcomparison, advertised in the local community for up to 20 nonusers ofpornography, but he was forced to alter his research model when no one signedup. In December, Lajeunesse concluded: "Guys who do not watch pornographydo not exist."
A News of the Weird Classic
Least Competent Circus Knife-Thrower: News ofthe Weird reported twice on the problems of British circus knife-thrower JaydeHanson. An assistant walked off the job in 2001 after nearly being hit in the foot,which would have been her third wound that season (equaling the number ofinjuries a previous girlfriend had suffered as Hanson's assistant before shequit the year before). In April 2003, Hanson was performing with his newgirlfriend, Yana Rodianova, then 22, live on Britain's "This Morning"television show, displaying his world-record form as a speed knife-thrower,when one knife hit Rodianova in the head and drew blood.
© 2010 Chuck Shepherd
