Dear Ruthie,
What do you do when your girlfriend is obsessed with getting a breast reduction, but you don’t want her to touch her big ta-tas?
Thanks,
Boob Girl
Dear Booby,
So you like big jugs, huh? Boobies, fun bags, twin peaks, melons, hooters, cans, flap jacks, num-nums, titties, Betty and Wilmas, snuggle pups, hand warmers, maracas …whatever you call ’em, people can’t seem to get enough of the sweater meats.
I can’t sympathize with your girlfriend because I don’t have big knockers; I have doorbells. I’m guessing that she wants a reduction for health and comfort reasons. If that’s the case, give your lady love a break! Let her trim those rib pillows down to a manageable size. She’ll feel better about herself and you’ll have a happier girlfriend—regardless of the size of her milk wagons. So show your gal pal some respect and support her decision to downsize the Pointer Sisters.
You also don’t want to be so shallow. Surely the size of your friend’s zeppelins isn’t the only thing you love about her. Focus on the emotional qualities you love best and not her love bubbles. You’ll be a better partner and she’ll find the support she needs—so stop worrying about the size of her sponge cakes.
UPCOMING EVENTS:
June 18: Opening Night of ‘Sondheim on Sondheim’ at The Tenth Street Theatre (628 N. 10th St.): Broccoli Theatricals and Encore Theater Company join forces to produce this multimedia show featuring the work of the much-loved playwright and composer. Directed by John Baiocchi, the show includes songs from Sweeney Todd, Company, Follies, Into the Woods and other blockbusters. Don’t miss the gala reception after the opening performance. See sondheimonsondheim.brownpapertickets.com for details concerning the two-week run.
June 18: ‘Burlesque Through the Ages’ at Club Aura (1011 N. Astor St.): Grab your tassels and feathered fans because the crazy kids at Cream City Cabaret offer this “her-story” lesson regarding bump-and-grind basics. Starting with the 1920s, each decade is honored by a sultry starlet who is sure to put a spring in your panties. Best of all, the 9 p.m. show is completely free!
June 19-21: Lakefront Festival of the Arts at Milwaukee Art Museum (700 N. Art Museum Drive): Get your artsy-fartsy on with this popular Brew City event! More than 170 artists hit the lakefront for this rain-or-shine party that celebrates local art, food, wine and fun. A sculpture garden, beer sampling, silent auction and live music round out the classy covered art crawl nicely. See lfoa.mam.org for advance tickets, schedules and more.
June 20: Colleen Cosplays in the Park at Zillman Park (2168 S. Kinnickinnic Ave.): Join artist and cosplay fan Colleen Gore from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. during Bay View’s Art in the Park. She’ll be modeling her latest cosplay look for artists and photographers to consider—so bring your art supplies and get ready to paint this fairytale femme fatale for free.
June 20: Once Upon a Time Skylight Night at Broadway Theatre Center (158 N. Broadway): Discover your happy ending with an enchanting evening of edibles, music and more. Registration, cocktail hour and auctions begin when the clock strikes 6 p.m., followed by a short 8 p.m. concert. The night concludes with dessert and dancing. Tickets for the complete night start at $250 with proceeds going to Skylight Music Theatre, but see skylightmusictheatre.org for other ticket packages and prices.
June 20 & 21: Pride Fest Chicago at Halsted and Waveland (Chicago): The kingpin of all LGBT block parties, this decadent day of fun (11 a.m. to 9 p.m.) features more than 60 vendors, live music, beer, food and ’80s sensation Debbie Gibson! That’s right…I said beer! Swing by chicagoevents.com to find out about this super street soiree.
June 23: Queer Tuesdays at the Riverwest Public House (815 E. Locust St.): This installment of the popular co-op’s weekly party is “A Divine Double Feature!” Join local Divine impersonator Divine Trash and her co-host, Dora Diamond, as they kick off the 8 p.m. night with John Waters’ Multiple Maniacs followed by a showing of Pink Flamingos at 10:30 p.m.
Have a question for Ruthie or want to tell her about an event? Email DearRuthie@shepex.com. Catch her web series at ruthiesbitchinkitchen.com, and learn about her charity at ruthieskennelclub.org.
