And just who the fockare “you’s”? Why, you are nothing but a bunch of the best so-called readers whoweek after week after week pick up this newspaper and turn to this page even ifyou have nothing better to do. And that’s why I need your help.
Why? (Hold on, let meget the script and I’ll lay my pipe on the line. OK. Here we go.)
“As members of myreading family, I feel betrothed to grab your ear and tell you that it’s cometo my attention that the out-of-the-focking-pocket costs involved in themanufacture and producement of my little weekly newspaper article haveskyrocketed like a focking banshee, I kid you not.
“How do I know this?I’ll tell you. The other evening I happened to stop by the Uptownertavern/charm school with my pal Little Jimmy Iodine in tow, so as to enjoy anice ice-cold bottled beer and to discuss a range of big-time topics that maybeI ought to delve into, topics that could wake a sleeping nation, what the fock.
“Well sir, no sooner didwe park our butts stool-side than did I realize I had not enough loose changeto spring for a pack of beer nutsalousy pack of focking beer nutslet alone a couple cool ones. Seems our meetingthe previous evening to discuss the very same subject at the very same locationhad gone the whole nine yards in closing out my personal cash register, and nowI was faced with having to shut down my entire research and developmentdepartment. And that’s not all.
“Add this deficit to therise in cost of necessary materialsyourcoffee, your Old Crow, your cigarettes, lead for my penciland I’m thinking Imay have to shut down my whole goddamn operation unless I come up with somekind of Einstein revenue plan. And the only thing I can think of to stayin business is to pass my costs on to you’s, the poor pissant consumer.
“Now, the monkey wrenchlodged in the wheel of this scheme is that the Shepherd is a freefocking paperthe choice ofcheapskates and freeloaders the metropolitan area over. No way the price of thisrag can be jacked up any higher than it already is, and I’d think you’d agree,ain’a?
“So my business plan can only succeedwith the understanding that when you, as a member of my reading family, comesby a couple, three extra bucks to please take the time to cut a nice check andsend it to this paper, care of me.
“Only with yourgenerous contribution can I continue to sit on my dupa over by the Uptowner andmuse upon a method with which to battle, for example, the mercenary ways of thebig drug companies, as illustrated by this story:
At a major medicalconvention a noted internist arose to announce that he had discovered a newmiracle antibiotic.
“What’s it cure?” askeda member of the audience.
“Nothing we don’talready have a cure for,” the internist replied.
“Then what’s somiraculous about it?” someone asked.
The internist said, “Aside effect is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my billthree or four times.” Ba-ding!
“With your generoushelp, I could continue to muse about a bunch of other stuff, to boot. Butplease, no bullshit phone calls promising to pony up the dough at a later date,like I was born yesterday. And come to think of it, don’t mail me a checkeither. For the good of both of us, cash is the way to go. Stuff a couple,three Jacksons into an envelope (attention: “Art Kumbalek”) and drop it offhere at the office. That way, the tax man will be none the wiser and we screwthe IRS, just like a regular fat-cat big-shot Republican does, what the fock.
“So hey, thanks for yourconsideration. Next week we’ll return to the usual programming, maybe, ’causeI’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.”
