The first thing I wantto say is that this is not an uncommon situation; from talking to customers andmy work as a sexuality educator, I have encountered many women who need astrong plug-in vibrator like the Wahl or the Hitachi to reach orgasm. It doesn't mean thatthere's anything wrong with youthat's just the way your body responds, andsome other women also require a very intense, sustained level of stimulationthat's difficult to provide with fingers, tongue or less-powerful vibrators.
Although there's no one"right" way to address sexual relationship issues, my thoughts aboutyour situation are to, first, stop focusing so much on orgasm when you arehaving sex with your boyfriend, and, second, to work on overcoming yourembarrassment about using the plug-in vibrator around him.
I think you are correctin stating that if an orgasm was going to happen with your boyfriend, it wouldhave. It's really wonderful that the two of you have tried so many differentthings and have discovered new forms of pleasure, like female ejaculation. Somecouples never reach this level of communication and experimentation, and somewomen who would really like to ejaculate aren't able to do that, so focus onthe positive! Sometimes removing the pressure to perform by having an orgasmcan, ironically, make it easier to have one. Any kind of"performance" sex where you're trying to achieve a specific goal,like having an orgasm, conceiving a baby, or what have you, tends to take a lotof the joy and pleasure out of it if you're having trouble reaching that goal.When you do that, you're only focusing on the negatives of your sexualrelationship, not the positives. I think you might be able to resolve a lot offrustration for both of you by focusing on what you can do, and what you bothenjoy, than what you can't do.
You might also want tothink about why you are embarrassed to use your plug-in vibrator when yourboyfriend is around, especially since you've used other vibrators together. Idon't have an answer to that, but you could have orgasms together if you feltcomfortable using your plug-in vibe together, so that might be something tothink about. Several companies make attachments for plug-in vibes that makethem more couples-friendly.
As I said at thebeginning, I really want to emphasize that neither you nor your boyfriend aresexual failures. I see many signs of great communication between the two ofyou, which is a success! It sounds like you have already done a lot of talkingand exploration, but I also have some books to recommend that are writtenspecifically for women and couples who find reaching orgasm difficult. Fourclassic books on this topic are ForYourself and For Each Other byLonnie Barbach and Sex for One and Orgasms for Two by Betty Dodsoneach ofthe first two books are aimed at women, and the second two are written forcouples. More recently published books include Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo and The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass.
Just for fun, you mightwant to pick up a recently published memoir, Thanks for Coming: One Young Woman's Quest for an Orgasm by MaraAltman, that details the author's personal explorations of her orgasmiccapacity. You are definitely in good company as you learn more about yourbody's sexual responses.
WantLaura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will beanswered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questionsthat do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced inthis column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity andcontent.
LauraAnne Stuart has a master’s degree in public health and has worked as asexuality educator for more than a decade. She owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’s East Side.
