With a team not expected to contend this year (and maybe for a while afterward), Brewers fans are going to need to learn to find pleasure where they can. One of the great things about baseball is that, for any particular string of three or four games, even a cellar-dwelling team can come to life and give a pennant-contender a good thrashing. With that in mind, let’s take a look at the Brewers’ opponents this season, ranked by how much fun it would be to see them pounded by the Crew for a series sweep. I’ve broken them into three categories, The ‘Lemme Check’ teams – as in you’re sitting in the parking lot with the grill going and five empty High Lifes at your feet when you ask your buddy, “Hey, who are they playing tonight anyway?” Then your buddy reaches for the tickets and says, “Um, lemme check…” The ‘Contender’ teams – clubs that should, by most measures, pound the Brewers, but have no real rivalry with the Crew. And finally, the ‘Blood Rival’ teams – the kind of matchups that produce fistfights in the parking lot and ritual bobblehead decapitations. On to the madness…
‘Lemme Check:’
20. San Diego Padres
Will anyone be amped up when the Padres come to town in mid-May? Can anyone recall any great Brewers-Padres dust-ups? The Padres are kind of a mess as a team and actually lost their opener (15-0) by a worse margin than the Brewers did (12-3).
19. Seattle Mariners
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The Brewers visit Seattle in mid August for their only three games against the Mariners this year. I imagine Seattleite fans might have a beef with the Brewers – Bud Selig stole their franchise, if you recall – but I don’t know of any animosity from Milwaukee against the M’s. Things have calmed way down since 1990, when Bob Serba went inside on Tracy Jones at the Kingdome and set off one of the most epic brawls in franchise history.
18. Colorado Rockies
Jorge De La Rosa, acquired by the Brewers in the Richie Sexson trade with Arizona and then sent to Kansas City for Tony Graffanino, has the highest winning percentage in Colorado Rockies history. So, if there are still some fans upset about THAT, maybe it’ll drive up the stakes when the Rox come to town in August.
17. Oakland A’s
Again, not much to talk about. I bumped them up a few slots because of the Tony LaRussa connection (and the huge brawl at County Stadium back in 1993.) The A’s have been a pretty likeable team over the past decade, gutting it out in a small market in a way that can only inspire Brewers fans. Popular former Brewers John Axford and Kris Davis are on the roster, too.
It’s hard to hate any non-Cardinals team that employs John Axford.
16. Cincinnati Reds
Easily the least offensive of the Brewers’ NL Central mates, the Reds are the rare team forecast to be even worse than the Crew. And any team that gets under the Cardinals’ skin can’t be that bad.
15. Philadelphia Phillies
Two post-season strikes against the Phillies – beating the Brewers in the 2008 NLDS and falling to the Cards (who eventually beat the Brewers in the NLCS) in 2011 – put them at the top of the category. But, like the Reds, the Phillies are a moribund squad. You can’t really get hyped about the games you’re supposed to win.
The Contenders:
14. Miami Marlins
Owned by Jeffery Loria, who might be the most unlikeable owner in the game, the Marlins and Brewers don’t have a big history. But they are a talented young team who would be pretty fun to knock around, especially if you have strong feelings about Barry Bonds, their new hitting coach for 2016.
13. Minnesota Twins
Despite having played more games against the Brewers than any other franchise, the Twins have never really generated much of a heated rivalry with Milwaukee. I always remembered it as more of a friendly rivalry, with both teams having fairly likeable stars. And now with Paul Molitor at the Twins helm, things seem even more sedate. Still, the Twins are a team on the upswing. A series sweep would lead to some chummy ribbing between opposing fans at Miller Park (just don’t mention Brett Favre).
Twins manager and Milwaukee Royalty Paul Molitor.
12. Texas Rangers
Even after being the targets of five hundred souvenir baseballs back in 1997, the Rangers don’t elicit much emotion in Milwaukee. The Brewers will, however, be in a good position to play spoiler in Texas, visiting Arlington in the final week of the season.
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11. Los Angeles Angels
Albert Pujols hit .478 in the 2011 NLCS against the Brewers, with two homers and nine batted in. Watching him flail at Jimmy Nelson change-up won’t make up for that, but it helps.
It actually doesn’t help. Still, screw the Angels.
[Expletive Deleted]
10. Washington Nationals
Personally, I really like the Nationals. But that lack of animosity (unless you have a problem with Bryce Harper), doesn’t hide the fact that they are a pretty good team managed by Dusty Baker. So, a sweep would be very enjoyable. More so than watching him defend throwing Stephen Strasburg for 450 innings this year and shredding his elbow ligaments into ramen noodles.
9. Houston Astros
Houston is a very good team, but one I can’t see most Brewers fans having a huge problem with. Carlos Gomez is still fun as hell and still pissing people off, which is what won him so many fans as a Brewer.
8. Los Angeles Dodgers
They spend more than the Yankees and haven’t won a World Series since 1988. Plus, just about every C-list Hollywood has-been is a Dodgers fan. Draw up a list of your five most hated celebrities and chances are that at least one of them will be tweeting about Clayton Kershaw’s curveball in the next few months.
7. San Francisco Giants
Who doesn’t want to beat the Giants? They’re always good, they always have pitching, and Hunter Pence did a guest spot in the universally-loathed Full House reboot. Also, they kill the Brewers. Since 2010, the Brewers are 15-25 against the Giants – their worst mark in that time against any NL team.
Stephanie Tanner’s boyfriend, Hunter Pence.
6. New York Mets
In addition to be the reigning NL champs from the always-hateable New York City, the Mets also tried to skunk Carlos Gomez’s trade value last season by backing out of a deal for the outfielder due to an injury concern that may or may not have actually existed. The Brewers have owned the Mets since 2010, winning 23 of 38 match-ups.
Blood Rivals:
5. Atlanta Braves
There’s no real sport in beating the 2016 Braves, but – for Brewers fans – there could be quite a bit of catharsis. Sure, it has been 50 years now since the Braves ditched Milwaukee, but think of Henry Aaron as a lifetime Milwaukee Brave (Atlanta fans hardly seemed to notice him until he neared the home run record), think of the Braves incredible run in the 1990s happening at County Stadium (they couldn’t even sell out playoff games in Atlanta), think of the Tomahawk Chop never being a thing. Or how about Brian McCann’s meathead PLAY THE GAME THE RIGHT WAY, SON stance against Carlos Gomez? Or the fact that the team is ditching a stadium not much older than Miller Park to go play in Bayshore Town Center South?
4. Pittsburgh Pirates
Speaking of Carlos Gomez (again), some teams get upset by his batter’s box posing even when it costs him an inside-the-park homer. Back in 2014, after six years of being absolutely manhandled by the Brewers (the Crew won 66 of 96 match-ups), tensions in Pittsburgh spilled over into one of the more memorable brawls in recent years. This is probably a rivalry that runs hotter on the other side (the Bucs have only won one season series from Milwaukee since 2007), but with Pittsburgh battling the Cubs and Cards for the top spot in the NL Central, the Brewers could have a very fun time mucking up everyone’s October plans.
3. Arizona Diamondbacks
Perhaps no home run since Ryan Braun’s blast to help put the Brewers in the Wild Card back in 2008 was as satisfying as Jonathan Lucroy’s grand slam against the DBacks in 2014, after Kirk Gibson flexed his manhood and ordered Braun to be hit with a pitch to load the bases. The beanball was in retaliation for an Arizona batter that had been (accidentally) hit by Brewers starter Kyle Loshe. The Lucroy slam won the game for Milwaukee and helped to get Gibson fired at the end of the year. Toss this in with their big money acquisition (because those always work great) of former Brewer Zach Greinke and their horrible new baseball costumes, and this is one very hateable team. One very hateable team that looks like retro-future railroad conductors with their Achilles tendons sliced.
2. Chicago Cubs
Think of a Cubs fan. Now think of that Cubs fan after a winter in which the Cubs were universally lauded as the run-away favorites to win the World Series. Now fill him with Bud Light and multiply by 20,000. Welcome to hell in the Menomonee Valley: May 17-19, July 22-24, Sept 5-7.
This image is from 2008, so just imagine it with more Patrick Kane jerseys.
1. St. Louis Cardinals
The stunning thing of the 2016 season is that even with the Cubs at the cusp of what could become a very long and very annoying reign of success, the Cardinals are still far and away the team I love most to see the Brewers beat. The Cards broke Brewers hearts in 1982 and 2011. They let Braden Looper, Jeff Suppan, and Kyle Loshe come to Milwaukee and stink. They cried about the Brewers on-field celebrations and the lighting at Miller Park. Think of Cardinals fans as the Packers fans of baseball. Many Packers fans might think, “Well, what’s wrong with that? We win all the time and do it with class and DEFINE the true meaning of the sport!” Well, that’s exactly what’s wrong with that. The Brewers play four games in St. Louis in early September. If they sweep that series and knock the Cards out of a playoff spot, they can finish with 110 losses and I won’t feel that the season was disappointment in any possible way.
