“I have been with my boyfriend forone year. We are both virgins. We’re talking about having sex, but I’m notsure. How do you know when you’re ready?”
Thequestion of whether or not you’re ready for sexual activity is one that you’llanswer again and again throughout your life. Each one of us is faced with thisquestion at different times: Am I ready to try a particular type of sexualactivity for the first time (which could be kissing, masturbation, oral sex, orlots of other things)? Am I ready to engage in some kind of sexual behaviorwith a new partner? Am I ready to try something new with a partner that I’vehad for a while?
Ourculture tends to place a lot of significance on male-female couples havingpenile-vaginal intercourse, and often, when someone asks a question like theone above, this is what is meant by “having sex.” It’s true that penis-vaginasex carries the unique risk of pregnancy, can pose a higher risk of sexuallytransmitted infections (STIs) than some other activities (like oral sex ormutual masturbation), and is often perceived as being more intimate than othersex acts. However, it’s important to remember that this isn’t the only type ofsex out there, and that we should ideally weigh all of our decisions toparticipate in any sexual activity with care.
So,how do you know you’re ready? This is a question that each person is going toanswer differently, but there are some general things that can be considered.
First,some people use specific, predetermined outside circumstances to decide ifthey’re ready. Some people decide that they do not want to engage in certaintypes of sexual activity outside of marriage. Others want to wait until they’vebeen in a relationship for a certain length of time. Still others might chooseto wait until they’re a certain age. These decisions may be based on personalor family values that are central to a person’s beliefs, rather than oninternal feelings of readiness or on the characteristics of particular romanticrelationships. There is no one right or wrong set of circumstances in which tohave sex that can be universally applied to everyone, but it’s very importantto explore and understand your personal values about sex and relationships whenmaking decisions.
Second,some people assess their readiness based on sexual responsibilityi.e., theirability to prevent pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted diseases. Are you ableto obtain latex barriers like condoms or dental dams? Do you feel comfortableusing them or asking a partner to use them every time you have sex? If you’rethinking about having penis-vagina sex, are you or your partner able to obtainbirth control? Are you able to use birth control consistently (for example,taking a pill at the same time every day)? Do you know where you and yourpartner could get pregnancy or STI testing, and do you feel comfortable makingan appointment to do this? What would you do if you got an STI? Would you beable to afford treatment? What would you do if you or a partner got pregnant?
Third,some people gauge readiness by their relationship with their partner. Good sexrequires a lot of communication and trust. Do you feel comfortable talking toyour partner about sex? Do you feel a high level of trust in them? Do you knowtheir feelings about you, and have you told them your own feelings? Do youexpect to get the same things out of sex? Do you think engaging in a new typeof sexual activity will change your relationship, and if so, how? How will youfeel about sex if you break up with this person? Do you feel pressured by yourpartner to try a particular sex act, or could you be pressuring them?
Finally,some people think about their own level of pleasure or curiosity whenconsidering a new sexual activity. Are you excited about trying it? Is itsomething you fantasize about? Are you curious to see how it feels? Will tryingthis make you feel better about your body and its capabilities? Although I’mlisting this last, it is by no means the least important! While you may notlike every new sexual activity, a genuine desire to try it is important.
That’sa lot to think about, but hopefully some of these questions or considerationsstand out to you as particularly meaningful. You don’t have to be able toanswer every question on the list in order to feel “ready,” but it’s good torealize all of the factors that go into making a sexual decision that you canfeel good about.
WantLaura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will beanswered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questionsthat do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced inthis column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity andcontent.
LauraAnne Stuart has a master’s degree in public health and has worked as asexuality educator for more than a decade. She owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’s East Side.
