When Donald Trump promised showbiz pizzazz at the Republican National Convention, we’d forgotten Trump’s early show business experience was World Wrestling Entertainment’s “Battle of the Billionaires,” in which he fake wrestled another arrogant, trash-talking, rich guy, WWE CEO Vince McMahon.
Having two grandsons, I’ve actually attended a few of the live P.T. Barnum Spectaculars of the WWE.
There were definitely similarities watching a hysterical Republican mob crying out for Hillary Clinton to at least be incarcerated, if not burned at the stake.
But WWE wrestling mobs are actually better behaved, and its events are far too professionally organized to be torn apart by the nightly disasters of the Republican convention.
The convention was in chaos from the opening night, when perhaps its best event rose up and bit Republicans before they could all clear the hall.
Melania, Trump’s latest wife and possibly the next First Lady, was no Mamie Eisenhower, but her speech was sensational. She read it perfectly in a cool Slovenian accent and ended her sentences with a sexy little pout.
Not to be openly sexist or anything, but Republicans are crazy to try to restrict voting. If they lowered the voting age to 13, Melania would have a complete lock on the adolescent boy demographic.
Shortly afterward, it became obvious that sections of Melania’s speech were lifted directly from Michelle Obama’s 2008 convention speech in praise of her own husband. That may have been the first time many realized Melania’s speech actually had words.
The most embarrassing part for Republicans: When they want to present themselves in the best possible light they claim their family values are exactly the same as America’s first African American president, someone they regularly demonize as a foreign-born, Muslim, socialist supporter of terrorists and cop killers.
Because Clinton is white, their favorite color, Republicans don’t have nearly as many creative ways to cast suspicions upon her loyalty to America. It was up to Ben Carson, the brilliant neurosurgeon and complete political wacko, to suggest Clinton might actually be in league with Lucifer.
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Throughout the week, Wisconsin politicians somehow managed to take the stage at Trump’s convention while, intentionally or unintentionally, calling as little attention to themselves as possible.
Gov. Scott Walker, a suburban Republican, appeared as a Midwest farmer speaking in front of a photographic backdrop of a barnyard that looked like a set from the old country music TV show “Hee Haw.” At least, he didn’t try to deliver his speech with a piece of straw in his mouth.
That would have made it harder for him to shout all his lines in praise of Trump, apparently desperately trying to overcome his disappearing act as a presidential candidate. Hardly anyone noticed.
The day after Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson’s convention speech the Koch brothers cancelled $2 million in advertising time they’d reserved to support his re-election.
An Apocalyptic Vision
One of the few non-Trump family members to get any real reaction was Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, who was angrily booed off the convention stage for encouraging Republicans to vote their conscience.
We all know Cruz is almost as widely disliked by other Republicans as Trump, but there was really nothing wrong with telling Republicans to vote their conscience.
In fact, both Walker and House Speaker Paul Ryan had publicly advocated exactly the same thing leading up to the convention. Then they showed up and voted completely conscience-free for Trump.
The problem for Trump supporters, of course, is they’re afraid very few voters who actually have consciences will be able to bring themselves to vote for Trump.
Every WWE wrestling fan recognizes the role model Trump channeled to create his frightening—and completely fraudulent—apocalyptic vision of the current end times of America in smoldering ruins under Obama and Clinton.
The wrestler calls himself the Undertaker. He appears on stage to funereal “Tales of the Crypt” music in a long, black trench coat or hooded gothic robe under black skies shattered by crackling lightning and earth-shaking thunder.
But no other raving, boastful wrestler was ever outrageous enough to shout the relentless stream of absurd, illogical and undeliverable promises Trump bellowed red-faced at rabidly cheering Republicans for an hour and 15 minutes:
The end to crime and violence in America! The total elimination of acts of terror by deranged individuals around the globe! Billions, and possibly trillions, of dollars in new government spending somehow accompanied by the largest tax cuts in history! Best of all, no more political correctness to allow free expression of hatred and bigotry!
No clue how any of it could happen, but it would happen really fast. He alone could do it. Believe him.
The only note of sanity came from the campaign’s undercover music programming saboteur, possibly one of those elusive Republicans with a conscience.
The same song was broadcast after Trump’s speech that subversively accompanied Trump’s introduction of Mike Pence as his vice presidential choice. It was the Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”
